Love without you

I really understand the dilemma marketing gurus go through when they want to change perception around a brand. Change it and still be able to sell it to people with its history completely detached.

I still get people who refer to me as “Matuba wa Lesley.” Because We unconsciously created that in people’s eyes. Doing everything together, always together except when hoe was life. LOL. And I spoke about him every chance I got. He became me and I can safely say it was the same in his case too. With him gone, trying to love again, is worse than solving for X in a math paper. (I hated mathematics and so this is the worst possible description of a difficulty.)

Especially when the periodical wave of grief creeped in. You get so used to swimming alone out of that tide so much, it becomes a space you want to be alone. I wonder if my one chance at love was just with him and I must now discover my new purpose for living. And I use the word love very loosely because you need more than just love to love someone completely and unreservedly. I once knew that kind of love. And you know it exists on days you’ve done the unforgivable, but a whole new level of I love you shows up. I miss Lesley and I want to be comfortable missing him this way. Remaembering everything. But anyone who’s not in my shoes will see it as holding on to what’s already gone. It’s that simple for people who don’t know grief. I miss you baby. I don't know how not to miss you.