Maintaining relatiosnhips and being great at what you do requires all of you 100 percent of the time. My job feels like an exam everyday. Imagine a final exam every single day. And of course there are times when I don't ace the exam. But getting it right when I do, is a great feeling. But the mistake I made, and still make today is "internalising" everything through all the trials and triumphs. While it thickens the skin, it poisons you inside. No longer at ease and you develop dis-ease. I developed high blood pressure. It sits right next to the accomplishments of my life. I rebelled against it and ignored it. Till today when I realised that the poison is now having a ripple effect on other parts of my life.
My mother would likely lose her son. I would never live long enough to see the foundation of the family I started strengthen and flourish. I would lose all the important things. I would die rot in my grave when I could have saved myself. This is all because I want to pass a final exam every single day. It's because I do not have a strong filter to help me care only about what matters and benefits me.
I am ashamed as an Aids activist who preach about a healthy lifestyle and motivating people to yearn for life. I have abandoned myself. I pray that it's not too late to turn the tide and live.
I am the opposite of who I am. A healer who is not healed. I have had so many people who entrusted their lives to me. Nursed most of them back to health. But I am letting myself get consumed by a poison that I invited into my own body.
