I am the opposite of who I am

This week I celebrated a few milestones. It's been a year since I became News Editor at SA's most credible news organisation. The new car now a year old and still making me smile. My mom's almost 70th birthday. She is my shield and strength. Not to mention the love I share with my friend amd partner Lesley. 

Maintaining relatiosnhips and being great at what you do requires all of you 100 percent of the time. My job feels like an exam everyday. Imagine a final exam every single day. And of course there are times when I don't ace the exam. But getting it right when I do, is a great feeling. But the mistake I made, and still make today is "internalising" everything through all the trials and triumphs. While it thickens the skin, it poisons you inside. No longer at ease and you develop dis-ease. I developed high blood pressure. It sits right next to the accomplishments of my life. I rebelled against it and ignored it. Till today when I realised that the poison is now having a ripple effect on other parts of my life. 

My mother would likely lose her son. I would never live long enough to see the foundation of the family I started strengthen and flourish. I would lose all the important things. I would die rot in my grave when I could have saved myself. This is all because I want to pass a final exam every single day. It's because I do not have a strong filter to help me care only about what matters and benefits me. 

I am ashamed as an Aids activist who preach about a healthy lifestyle and motivating people to yearn for life. I have abandoned myself. I pray that it's not too late to turn the tide and live. 

I am the opposite of who I am. A healer who is not healed. I have had so many people who entrusted their lives to me. Nursed most of them back to health. But I am letting myself get consumed by a poison that I invited into my own body.