I typed this during today's church service

I have been trying to justify coming to church to myself for almost two weeks now. The church as an institution, has been at odds with the person I have become over the years. The identiy that I am comfortable with is a total opposite of what the church wants me to be. 

But today and for the past two weeks, I have been attending church services at the church where I grew up. From Sunday School, through to confirmation class. Also a place where I made friendships that still remain on solid foundation. A whole community that nurtured the leader that I am today congregates here. My love for music, especially classical music was born here. Everything that I am to my community, I learned here. 

I am typing this while in church, during the sermon. That's because the big part of my service is over. The singing. The music. 

I don't know why I have been trying to justify coming to church to myself. Is it because I have made friends with academics and professionals who have strong views against the church? Is it because I have failed for so long to defend what I believe in? Maybe it's my failure to mimic my own mother, who is also a Sangoma. She managed to be with our community, the church and remained committed to passing down traditions of our ancestors.

I feel like I belong here. It feels right to be here now. 

I have always maintained that being Lutheran and a Sangoma could never go together. Maybe it's time I reconciled the two without compromising myself.