My journey to the cross

This time every year, for the rest of my life will be like the Christian's "Journey to the Cross." That's the build up to the crucifixion. Seven days from today will be the anniversary of Lesley's passing. The first one. Last year this time Lesley and I were like a couple that's just met, right up until the minute I last saw him. Thanks to a stupid quarrel we had a week before. It led us on a path to the end of his journey. Unknowingly so and we left nothing unsaid. Our fears and hopes were laid bare. Death was among them. One week after we laid him to rest I thought I'd be dead too by this time. But in retrospect a part of me did die with him. I think that's what made me not deal with grief in the conventional way. That's just me being polite. But truth is, I didn't do it the way everyone "expected" me to do it. I didn't wait for a year to go by before I could start dating and falling in love again. I just did what would keep me afloat instead of  killingwhat was left of me. Is there still space to grieve? Oh hell yes. Sometimes you wake up crying in the arms of your new love. They either hold you tight, comfort you or freak out. I was and still the best judge of what I need to be doing as someone grieving. There's no manual that comes with it. Not easy to control, but after every fall I went back to my position of power. My goal is to be the happiest brokenhearted man. Being away from home and loved ones at this time was a conscious decision. There will be time to regroup and carry on with life while I continue to preserv the memory of the love of my life. Rest in peace Makgariana.