Different kinds of painful

Every day is a different kind of painful without Les. Some days I cry myself to sleep. Some days smile thinking about what he could have said if he were here. Other days I test my endurance. I just sit quietly and ignore the silence. I don't know when I will die. However long it will take for that day to come, I will still be heartbroken.
I am not sitting and waiting for death. I just happen to live in the aftermath of the cruelty of death.
Death and mourning a loved one isolate us from people. And there is no healing in loneliness. It's a tricky situation because one can easily reject people's compassion mistaking it for pity. It's also been six months. You easily imagine people saying "Can he just get over it already". And so you isolate yourself further from people into the darkness of depression.
I believe in the natural healing of wounds, emotional and physical wounds. But that doesn't always work. Physical wounds need some anti-septic to fast-track healing. Emotional wounds don't heal when we don't wash them off with the company of others without reading too much into it.
I have already rejected what was presented to me as love. Is it because it wasn't from Lesley. I will never get anything closer to that ever. It's something my mind and soul will not accept, digest and make peace with. That's why every day has a new kind of painful when I come home and he is not here. So many things died with my Les.
I however hang on to the believe that people who loved here on earth love more fiercely beyond and I am open to receive that love from you my love. I love you. I am just so sad.