Mothers

Our first Christmas without Lesley. This pic was taken at home in Sosha, after a good cry Mama and I had that afternoon. 

You know, some of us grew up with mothers who just made everything okay. I have vivid memories of some of our darkest times as a family. But for some reason, hearing Mama's voice informed me that we wouldn't be in the dark for much longer. I also know her strength from the conversations we never had. I observed her experiences. She just never let go in all the many different challenges I saw her overcome. So she became my safety net for when I fall for a long time and I felt safe knowing I vould refuel my life from.her love.
But the pain of losing the love of your life, is a pain not even a mother understands. Her presence makes the whole experience much more difficult becasue she too is experiencing pain. Lesley was her son. And he was my husband. This is the first time  I saw Mama let go. She let her pain be seen and she acknowledged it. It made itself felt with tears even months after Les left us. God knows how many times I abandoned my grief to reassure her I'd be okay. But the truth is you don't heal completely. It's still early days. Mama's pain hurts me even more. Lesley! What have you done!?