Early morning thoughts

There are mornings where I wake disappointed because I am alive. Classic sign of depression I guess and it is expected considering the amount of shock and trauma I am going through. Time does not heal, but it intensifies the pain and make you realise that death is final. It's much harder for people like me who love being in control and having the power to influence or change a situation.

The temptation for people in my situation is despair. Especially now during the festive season. But it's easier to acknowledge the difficulties of being lonely at this time, while trying to cultivate some inner peace so we survive the days ahead. Back when my grief was fresh, I never thought I'd enjoy the small, ordinary events of life. I do now. Family and friends, birds singing and watching the blue skies turn grey. Looking out the window during a storm and walking the dog. They give me a good feeling.

There is really no happiness, but I do experience moments of joy. It comes from the hard work we do trying to survive in the midst of this piercing overriding loss. It's still too soon to relax and begin to trust life again, but at least  I know that's what needs to happen. 

Through memory, love transcends the limits of time and offers hope and courage to carry on to the next day. Not always easy to see the lesson as I've said, sometimes I wish I could die and not experience this pain that you must sometimes smile or make people feel good while you are carrying it. Almost like learning to walk again. I don't know how to be without the love of my life. It was also important to acknowledge that we can medicate as much as we want, but the only way to survive is to be present in the moment of grief. People medicate differently. Some seek validation and pity from others, while some try replace what's lost. Most take prescription for their doctors. I have tried avoid all of the above, but I will label my situation as "surviving".

 May your beautiful soul rest in peace Lesley. I miss you motho wa ka!