Holding it in

It's that time of the year. Happy times all round. And you know, social media makes it so easy to share these great moments with everyone. I expected that I would have fallen apart by now from grief and wishing my Lesley was here with me. When the moment to fall apart comes, I embrace it. I don't induce it because of my well-known fear of drowning in depression. I have been sharing my pain and this journey since Lesley's passing. For many reasons, I chose to share this story. But I found myself stopping myself for a while. Especially now. Forced myself into private mourning and learning the difference between being alone and feeling lonely. Yes, we are all going through different difficulties and must express them. For some odd reason though, I felt public mourning and expression of grief would be selfish. It's difficult to absorb all the happiness trending on my timeline. Even when I create a happy environment for myself, it's certainly a mechanism to float so no one ever has to leave their party to come rescue me. In all the times I dressed up and posed for pictures, it was just another plan I came up with just to survive. I found peace in holding it in. And it is the way to go from now on. Nothing I do can ever fill this gap. So whatever I do from now on, is either to survive or going the direction of a new path with full of things unknown to me.