Insomnia

For a long time I missed that husband whose affection I'd soaked in through my pores and never consciously returned, accepting it as my natural reward. I missed him in that way you never know you'll miss someone who has always been with you till they're gone. Now, when I'm alone sometimes, I feel he's with me. - An extract from the book Insomnia by Aamer Hussein 

Pain and Romance

I have been talking a lot about you and not writing so much about how I feel. I have been a bit desperate for feedback and some opinion on my view of the world. Nothing has been the same. Sometimes I suspect even food taste different to when we would sit next to each other and share a meal. It is really difficult to come here and write about you from a position of power and not that of a victim that everyone must feel sorry for.  My latest conversation conversation about you was with Rev. Siza Lugojolo. The man who presided at your funeral. Our whatsapp messages are always intense because he always goes for the truths I am sometimes not ready to hear. Almost the same way you would just address the elephant in the room when everyone is comfortable in discomfort. It's another affirmation that you probably live through people who love and care for me. It still does not mitigate the injustice which is your death or the constant pain triggered by everything we used to do together. I still run into you even in my new routine. But Ihave graduated from being the "cry-er" to someone who knows when not to break down. Not always easy, but it has certainly gotten better. Rev. Siza gave me a whole lesson on learning to live beyond death of a spouse. It really made think on whether grief makes us romanticise pain so much that we want to do the things that preserve the pain and not walking towards healing. Part of the said healing to me, means leaving you behind. "Marriage ends in death. There are no marriages in heaven," Siza told me. He further said that Jesus answered this question when he was asked about a woman who married seven men who all died before her. "Moving on" is justified in the Bible. But I don't think there is any piece of writing that will make me feel whole again. Am I romanticising pain? I know your answer would be No because you knew better than anyone how I hate pity.  I wish the were timelines to how long this pain would last. But I have realised that unconventional ways are the only ways to get through each day. The planned methods have never worked. I miss you.

Giving what I don't have

When one big part of your life falls apart, it's a battle to fill the gaping hole. But because we are alive and want to survive, we do all sorts of things to survive or do anything that helps ease the pain. All of these things are temporary solutions, you run from one temporary solution to another. It's activity you almost get addicted to because you'd be under the impression that you are dealing with your pain and sometimes anger. 

Under normal circumstances, people do a lot of different things to escape their day-to-day stress. It might be reading a book, going on holiday or collecting art and so on. We can safely call it, escapism. My whole life is now dedicated to finding escapism. Sometimes in the form of human beings; friends and lately a possible romantic partner. Everything else that used to be escapism involved my late husband. Books, travel, spending time with the kids, wine and dinning and going out dancing. He was there with me. Our friends were a treat to spend time with, because we are all so busy. 

But lately they are my source of strength and I am beginning to slip out of their amazing and constant show of love and compassion. I am deliberately slipping out of this comfort zone so I can make sense of my new normal. On my way out, I found a new friend and we’re now looking at whether or not we can be more. It's another temporary solution to my loneliness. On the face of it, that's what it looks like. It is a selfish thing to do. I still want to hold on to Les, but I also enjoy being with someone willing to come into my life at a time like this. The logical thing is to reject and do what everyone else does. "Deal with my grief". But luckily, I am not everybody. It's a choice between facing this alone and doing this with someone who won't be fazed my trips to the cemetery, pictures of Les everywhere and talking about him every now and then. I mean, this is enough to send anyone packing. But this individual wants all of that. Yuck! I know I would not even go anywhere near someone who’s just lost their partner. Especially when it's well known it was the love of their life. He is also someone who could be with anyone he wanted to be with. At the moment his choice is me and all my baggage. Very unpopular with the conservatives in my life. But no one knows what I am going through and how I'd like to go about it. I don't want to accept or reject anything because of anyone other than myself. I am strong enough to try things out and fail without falling apart all over again. If I lost the love of my life and still standing, there's nothing that can break me. I am already giving away what I don't have because I have nothing much to lose. Although it's important to be fair to myself and everyone close to me. Especially this brave man. 

This whole thing is crazy because on the morning of the 8th of July this year, Lesley and I were putting final touches to our future. It was going to be outside Gauteng Province and possibly outside the country. But here am I, seeking to band aid on a bullet wound. Four months ago, he was here. I am damaged goods that someone else wants. Damaged in a sense that I was in a forever arrangement with my husband. Now I have to reboot a system that was never meant for an upgrade. Do I even have it in me to give companionship to anyone else who is not Lesley? I won't say no, but I am not confident about that. Simply because it can't be the same as the last time I did this. When one big part of your life falls apart, it's a battle to fill the gaping hole. But because we are alive and want to survive, we do all sorts of things to survive or do anything that helps ease the pain. All of these things are temporary solutions, you run from one temporary solution to another. It's activity you almost get addicted to because you'd be under the impression that you are dealing with your pain and sometimes anger. 

Under normal circumstances, people do a lot of different things to escape their day-to-day stress. It might be reading a book, going on holiday or collecting art and so on. We can safely call it, escapism. My whole life is now dedicated to finding escapism. Sometimes in the form of human beings; friends and lately a possible romantic partner. Everything else that used to be escapism involved my late husband. Books, travel, spending time with the kids, wine and dinning and going out dancing. He was there with me. Our friends were a treat to spend time with, because we are all so busy. 

But lately they are my source of strength and I am beginning to slip out of their amazing and constant show of love and compassion. I am deliberately slipping out of this comfort zone so I can make sense of my new normal. On my way out, I found a new friend and we’re now looking at whether or not we can be more. It's another temporary solution to my loneliness. On the face of it, that's what it looks like. It is a selfish thing to do. I still want to hold on to Les, but I also enjoy being with someone willing to come into my life at a time like this. The logical thing is to reject and do what everyone else does. "Deal with my grief". But luckily, I am not everybody. It's a choice between facing this alone and doing this with someone who won't be fazed my trips to the cemetery, pictures of Les everywhere and talking about him every now and then. I mean, this is enough to send anyone packing. But this individual wants all of that. Yuck! I know I would not even go anywhere near someone who’s just lost their partner. Especially when it's well known it was the love of their life. He is also someone who could be with anyone he wanted to be with. At the moment his choice is me and all my baggage. Very unpopular with the conservatives in my life. But no one knows what I am going through and how I'd like to go about it. I don't want to accept or reject anything because of anyone other than myself. I am strong enough to try things out and fail without falling apart all over again. If I lost the love of my life and still standing, there's nothing that can break me. I am already giving away what I don't have because I have nothing much to lose. Although it's important to be fair to myself and everyone close to me. Especially this brave man. 

This whole this is crazy because on the morning of the 8th of July this year, Lesley and I were putting final touches to our future. It was going to be outside Gauteng Province and possibly outside the country. But here am I, seeking to band aid on a bullet wound. Four months ago, he was here. I am damaged goods that someone else wants. Damaged in a sense that I was in a forever arrangement with my husband. Now I have to reboot a system that was never meant for an upgrade. Do I even have it in me to give companionship to anyone else who is not Lesley? I won't say no, but I am not confident about that. Simply because it can't be the same as the last time I did this. 

Moments

This is one of my favourite pictures of my love and our baby Bruno. Knocked off late from work. I was on the phone with him to find out what's for dinner. I was told my favourite. Wasn't sure what it was because I loved everything he cooked for me. I always criticised his food, but I had a husband who cooked for me and went all out each time. I was spoilt and so I could afford to be a spoilt brat.
I don't even think I ate that night. He slept before I got home. I usually bring my dinner to the bedroom and catch up. So when I came home to find these two fast asleep in the heat, I did what I do best. Take pictures. I took a few and then gave him kiss. Woke up and and asked for a proper kiss. Hahahaha. I remember like it was juat the other day. I chased Bruno out of our room and went straight to bed without dinner. We cuddled. Had a chat and he admitted he was too tired and wanted to sleep. I showed him the photos the next day. I told him I would not post them unless he pisses me off. Never imagined I'd be pissed off by the fact that he is no more. Motho wa ka! Miss you.

In my shoes

I am typing this blog while in a church service I am attending with my family and in-laws. The last time we were in this setting we were bidding farewell to my husband. Today was an emotional morning because it is also not easy being at Lesley's family home without him. So we spent the first few minutes together crying. No words just tight hugs and sobbing.
So now, I am sitting in church at the exact same spot Lesley and I occupied every time we came here. This time, I am with family in a show of love for Lesley and amazing support for me.
The lunchtime discussion will definitely feature why I don't visit or call often. My mother-in-law hinted in our exchange during the week.
So being in my shoes is quite difficult at this point. I think for many people who are widowed when we are so young.
When in mourning, but mindful of the dangers of deppression you tend to be selfish and only follow your own pattern of grief. It did not involve a lot of people. Not even my closets friends. This is a journey of self-discovery. So I am basically wearing new shoes that walk me to a direction that is far from everyone. But I hope to come back to my loved ones, including my mother-in-law, still able to embrace each other after this transition. To her own admission, I knew her son better than her and for that reason I am best placed to know what is good for me and how to preserve the memory of the love of my life.
It's a tricky situation because Lesley and I were never governed by rules that came with being in a heterosexual relationship. It was always through loving each other and our families deeply and respect. There was no template, but we carved our way of dealing with challenges we faced and we also lead a life that was not part of any (gay) subculture. Every single day was an adventure and we were always creative about how we celebrated our love. I am the only person that knows how it was waking up next him  for almost a decade, I qualify to create my own terms on how I do this. I also have a duty and a promise to keep. To keep our families together. It's important to me too.
I hope I last in these shoes. This is a new expierence to me and my family. I make rules as I go. Mostly to survive and stay as productive as possible. And maybe fall in love, get married and have a family. Not fall in love again, but hopefully a whole new experience of love. I know what I feel based on the life I shared with Lesley. I might need a new pair of shoes for that journey and a lot of luck because Les will always be the love of my life.