In my shoes

I am typing this blog while in a church service I am attending with my family and in-laws. The last time we were in this setting we were bidding farewell to my husband. Today was an emotional morning because it is also not easy being at Lesley's family home without him. So we spent the first few minutes together crying. No words just tight hugs and sobbing.
So now, I am sitting in church at the exact same spot Lesley and I occupied every time we came here. This time, I am with family in a show of love for Lesley and amazing support for me.
The lunchtime discussion will definitely feature why I don't visit or call often. My mother-in-law hinted in our exchange during the week.
So being in my shoes is quite difficult at this point. I think for many people who are widowed when we are so young.
When in mourning, but mindful of the dangers of deppression you tend to be selfish and only follow your own pattern of grief. It did not involve a lot of people. Not even my closets friends. This is a journey of self-discovery. So I am basically wearing new shoes that walk me to a direction that is far from everyone. But I hope to come back to my loved ones, including my mother-in-law, still able to embrace each other after this transition. To her own admission, I knew her son better than her and for that reason I am best placed to know what is good for me and how to preserve the memory of the love of my life.
It's a tricky situation because Lesley and I were never governed by rules that came with being in a heterosexual relationship. It was always through loving each other and our families deeply and respect. There was no template, but we carved our way of dealing with challenges we faced and we also lead a life that was not part of any (gay) subculture. Every single day was an adventure and we were always creative about how we celebrated our love. I am the only person that knows how it was waking up next him  for almost a decade, I qualify to create my own terms on how I do this. I also have a duty and a promise to keep. To keep our families together. It's important to me too.
I hope I last in these shoes. This is a new expierence to me and my family. I make rules as I go. Mostly to survive and stay as productive as possible. And maybe fall in love, get married and have a family. Not fall in love again, but hopefully a whole new experience of love. I know what I feel based on the life I shared with Lesley. I might need a new pair of shoes for that journey and a lot of luck because Les will always be the love of my life.