Letting go...

I find myself in a state of mind that refuses to be alone. Everything is difficult to do because it was always with Lesley.  Our relationship had old roots that were tangled together. It is not necesarilly because of how long we have been together, but it had more to do with how much of each other we gave to one another. It was a good feeling every single day. Like I always say, even on those bad days. The love was so strong we forgot we were not guaranteed more days together. And I was simply not ready to let go of all those tangible things. I looked forward to preparing a good meal, help him untie his shoe laces and laugh about the muscle pull he had during foreplay. I was not ready to let go of all that.
On all my slow days, when I want to read and write, I am forced to walk through this emotional roller coaster. The only way to avoid it, is to always have people around - which is impossible and probably not a good thing.
But now I am more angry and sad because I don't know what to do with all these habits of taking care of him.  I don't know how to convert that energy into something that helps me. I found pleasure and fulfilment in taking care of my husband. I was always in a hurry to be home with him. Now when I open the door and there is no sign of him, my heart still sinks. I don't want to be alone. I also don't know if I would be happy with anyone else that's not you. People are weird and bring all sorts baggage. We had our own and it had started to be much lighter over almost a decade we lived together. I love and miss you. Letting you go is proving to be a mess.