The Distraction

Le Panstula la ka. Picture taken in October 2012 Johannesburg Gay Pride. 

It's only when I am alone that I realise I have hardly scratched the surface when it comes to coming to terms with being alone and lonely. Everything else that I have been up to is like a big noise that distracts me from the silence of your absence. The loud laughs over good food and drinks with friends. The long telephone conversations and lately my gym sessions are part of that big noise that help me only experience the void you left for a short time. But it is not sustainable. I also don't think it's healthy to be shielded from what I am supposed to go through. It sure does feel like I am walking through the valley of the shadow of death.

I am almost used to the roller coast ride of emotions, but I am blocking out how people think I should deal with this transition. Although I do everything I can to avoid dealing with my grief in ways that I will regret, because my aim is to preserve your memory. There's already been conversations about a new relationship. There's been jokes about it too. But at the end of all these distractions I am reconciled with my longing for you. Sometimes I deliberately say no to friends when they want to go out. Sometimes I'd rather be here alone and get to know this pain better. Someone may argue that secluding myself could be a sign of depression. Duh!! Of course I am depressed. I am also aware of the state I am in. I want to feel all its corners. The distractions are good. But they can never dillute or ease the piercing pain. Time will eventually desensitise me, make me numb and eventually get me to a point I don't dissolve when I think about you.
I love LOVE and I miss Love. The things I could only share with you. The things that only you could give to me. The jokes and discussions about a new lover freak me out so much. I am not really concerned about what people think. But I think I am my own worst nightmare. When I met you, I had told you and the universe that I could never love anyone for the rest of my life. It made you upset. But I stopped saying it after we got married. I am still unable to say what changed. But now you are gone. Anyone that suggests a topic around love and being in love, I just say "People die". Yes, we are left behind in this world and people perceive it as opportunity to indulge "before it is too late". I had my forever with you baby. I am not in the mood for love that is not with you. How long am I going to hold on to you? I don't know. I am only flesh and blood. So I am living my truth right now. It may change over time. But at least it would be on my terms and my time. Right now I want to be the psychopath that won't let go of "the dead husband" without any distraction.
Ndi danile Lesley. Ndibuhlungu baby.