Garden with no flowers

I was sharing my thoughts with someone close to me the other day. I had to use a disclaimer before I could share them. I had to because this is someone I spend most of my time with. I did not want him to feel like his company is not appreciated. But I cannot help but feel that despite the world having a population of more than 7 Billion people, one can experience loneliness that just pierces the heart and isolate you completely. That is how I sometimes feel about losing you. Not fitting anywhere with anyone.
Somebody else joked that I may be 'damaged goods' and I could never be with anyone else because I still long for you and wired in a way only you knew how to love me. Well, I am not open to that discussion. But I am not going to carry a burden of fitting the image of who people expect me to be at this time. The strength I have will determine who I am at whatever time.
The soil is fertile but there is no harvest this year. That is the analogy for my state of mind. The July winds blew my seeds away. But the soil remains fertile. That's why I titled this post a garden without flowers.

I used to feel a sense of betrayal when I felt I am having a good time. I don't anymore my love. Grief can be morbid and you are too precious to me and I cannot use grief to substitute you. I want to die a happy man. Just like you. I want to cross over to you with no regrets of not living enough. The more I stop, the more I am trapped in this pit of sorrow. I let the moments come. When I feel them coming, I submit all the time. The same goes for when I feel I need to carry on. I soldier on.
There is no way of getting you back. I am making peace with that. Grieving is still a process I will negotiate with life for as long as it lasts. I fear it might outlive me. If not, perhaps some day when I heal, it won't just be your death I think about, but I will celebrate your life too.
Today I am writing to say healing in loneliness is tough. The garden without flowers must be attended to. And I know wherever you are, you'd want me to put it to good use. The impulse has always been to withdraw from people in these times. I cursed people for moving on with their lives while mine fell apart. That experiment did not work. It was more of a path I had to pass through to learn that a smile is not betrayal to your memory. I love you Les. Even beyond this life, I always love you. I know you know everything else I have not said here. Cause you know me so well. That's another reason to this post, to omit some things so I can imagine your naughty smile. Questioning me on things you already know. I know you. Hahaha. I love you.