Hurry up and go!

Is crying our default reaction to pain? I mean, I am so tired of it, I want to feel something else. I side-eye grief and ask, "Is this all you are going to do to me? Make me curl up and cry every time I think about him?".
It happens a lot when I am alone. It's like grief is my-lady-in-waiting. Not much of a servant though, because it pretty much dictates what I should feel. It's all tears. Even when there's a smile or a chuckle when I think of my husband, I always tear up. Is there anything else beyond tears? Based on conversations I have had with people who have been through this path, it is still early days. I scoff and sigh when I think about that. I hate being in any sort of vicious cycle. Solitude no longer means time for reflection and the renewal of what's good in me. I don't even know if I can call my moments alone solitude. There is just something that induces tears. Being in the same situation for long is against every fibre of my being. But grief is something new to me. A whole new experience and so every time I resist what it dictates, I end up deep in its captivity. There are no short cuts. But I am so stubborn I still resist going to places it wants me to go to. It's too dark. It's too unfamiliar.
I am a functioning, permanently brokenhearted man. That's why I sometimes refuse to go through all these things that are said to be part of the journey. I am in love with my smile more these days because it's a veil that hides the turmoil. The smile almost transports me to where I used to be when Lesley was still here. He was the reason for many of the times I would be smiling.
Dear grief, I want to say hurry up and go. But reality is, people who love deeply will also mourn very deeply. I understand why you are here. But I don't have to be nice to you all the time.
I miss my husband. I don't do well when I am alone either. I do it more now because I want it to be a feeling I no longer think about. Loneliness. Me? It's still unbelievable. Did I think we'd live forever? No. But I certainly didn't expect him to leave so soon. Sigh. Let me get up. Go out and smile.