A new place

This was my first live broadcast since your passing. It became clear to me that the gods conspired to have me cover  Mozart's Requiem. A Requiem is mass for the dead, which was exactly what we did for you when you left. It was the first live I did without getting a text message from you. My number one fan. I miss you. 

Yesterday I saw old friends from my church youth choir days. It was mini reunion of old friends and so there was so much laughter and reminiscing about the good days we had together. We made fun of each other and our adult problems. We are among the lucky young South Africans employed, but we all laughed about how our salaries disappear within days after getting paid. Everyone had a story of how they survive each week.
We also laughed about me being a widow(er). I joked and said it was okay for everyone to hug and kiss me because I had already gone through all cleansing rituals which people like me go through. It's not as funny in English, but I made fun of everyone's money problems and told them I was still cashing in on insurances and shopping till I drop. It's not true, but it is the perception. It was a moment of reflection on serious issues with humour. We remembered how we could not wait to be adults and make our own rules. Everyone wished they had the rewind button taking us back to being carefree and younger.
Who would have thought that at 34, I'd have friends coming to my house to offer me condolences for the loss of my husband? Who thought I'd be here listening to the sound of my lover's silence? Is it part of growing up? I find myself in places that I drove past as I was growing up. I remember hearing someone's brother had passed away. Les and I attended funerals of close friends and relatives. We cried and consoled each other. We offered love and support for the bereaved families. We spoke about our own deaths like it was in our hands. We planned it for later, but today I find myself in a place I never imagined. That's what loss does to you. It takes you to places you saw from a distance. Places you don't spend your time thinking about.
Some of the conversations with old friends were about how long it takes before people start dating after loss. It hit me then that I was in that place I never thought of because Les and I were in a 'you are stuck with me' situation. It dawned on me that there is a future beyond grieving. We made all sorts of jokes about it, but on my way home, I was sad that some day I may have to turn a page and start over again. I want to pretend this future does not exist and hold on to mourning the love of my life. Yes, it's only been three months, but there is no gatekeeper to our thoughts and the conversations we can have about death and life after death. But all this talk collides with my deep sadness of losing the one I thought I was going to make things work with. We had already been through the worst, so I am sure we were going to make it work. But now I am stuck here in a place I never imagined.
This period also comes with people who will police how you mourn. It comes with people commenting on how often you go out and how long you should wait before you can do this and that. Lesley must be having a good laugh watching me deal with all this crap.
I am grateful for yesterday's meeting with old friends. It was the alarm clock set for me to realise that I was now in a new place. A place without my love. I will remember my arrival to this place as the space where I broke down a lot. I arrived at this place the day my Lesley died. It just took a few kak funny, insensitive jokes from old friends to make me realise where I am. There is no rush for me to be ready for this new place. The place can wait for me so I can create a world that I can live in. A space that will only have his memory because I intend to bring him along. Rest in Peace my baby.