I want to survive

I want to survive the heartbreak and the deep pain without compromising your memory. Sometimes anger takes over and leads me to temporary solutions to the frustration of not having you around. Your death called for a complete change of routine. Even food taste different Les! I do things differently so I am not reminded that you are gone. It's not always possible. But I want to experience the grieving from a position where I can negotiate my own survival. I would choose death for myself if I knew for sure it would take me to where you are. But I am not brave enough and so I choose to survive this world and continue celebrating our time together. I will face death the day it approaches. I choose to survive people's misinterpretation of how I am going about my grief and mourning. I welcome it. I have made myself vulnerable to all of it because I have publicly declared my pain the same way I publicly celebrated our love and life together. But all of this still remains between you and me. The promise to be together till death tear us apart. It happened. Sooner than expected. So much had to change. So much had to disappear. So it was clear that I would have to swim against a tide of hostility. Hostility from life itself. I want to survive and now I am openimg doors I have never even looked at. It makes me sad. But I want to survive and so my emotions cannot be a barrier between the empty life and my survival. I love you.