Giving what I don't have

When one big part of your life falls apart, it's a battle to fill the gaping hole. But because we are alive and want to survive, we do all sorts of things to survive or do anything that helps ease the pain. All of these things are temporary solutions, you run from one temporary solution to another. It's activity you almost get addicted to because you'd be under the impression that you are dealing with your pain and sometimes anger. 

Under normal circumstances, people do a lot of different things to escape their day-to-day stress. It might be reading a book, going on holiday or collecting art and so on. We can safely call it, escapism. My whole life is now dedicated to finding escapism. Sometimes in the form of human beings; friends and lately a possible romantic partner. Everything else that used to be escapism involved my late husband. Books, travel, spending time with the kids, wine and dinning and going out dancing. He was there with me. Our friends were a treat to spend time with, because we are all so busy. 

But lately they are my source of strength and I am beginning to slip out of their amazing and constant show of love and compassion. I am deliberately slipping out of this comfort zone so I can make sense of my new normal. On my way out, I found a new friend and we’re now looking at whether or not we can be more. It's another temporary solution to my loneliness. On the face of it, that's what it looks like. It is a selfish thing to do. I still want to hold on to Les, but I also enjoy being with someone willing to come into my life at a time like this. The logical thing is to reject and do what everyone else does. "Deal with my grief". But luckily, I am not everybody. It's a choice between facing this alone and doing this with someone who won't be fazed my trips to the cemetery, pictures of Les everywhere and talking about him every now and then. I mean, this is enough to send anyone packing. But this individual wants all of that. Yuck! I know I would not even go anywhere near someone who’s just lost their partner. Especially when it's well known it was the love of their life. He is also someone who could be with anyone he wanted to be with. At the moment his choice is me and all my baggage. Very unpopular with the conservatives in my life. But no one knows what I am going through and how I'd like to go about it. I don't want to accept or reject anything because of anyone other than myself. I am strong enough to try things out and fail without falling apart all over again. If I lost the love of my life and still standing, there's nothing that can break me. I am already giving away what I don't have because I have nothing much to lose. Although it's important to be fair to myself and everyone close to me. Especially this brave man. 

This whole thing is crazy because on the morning of the 8th of July this year, Lesley and I were putting final touches to our future. It was going to be outside Gauteng Province and possibly outside the country. But here am I, seeking to band aid on a bullet wound. Four months ago, he was here. I am damaged goods that someone else wants. Damaged in a sense that I was in a forever arrangement with my husband. Now I have to reboot a system that was never meant for an upgrade. Do I even have it in me to give companionship to anyone else who is not Lesley? I won't say no, but I am not confident about that. Simply because it can't be the same as the last time I did this. When one big part of your life falls apart, it's a battle to fill the gaping hole. But because we are alive and want to survive, we do all sorts of things to survive or do anything that helps ease the pain. All of these things are temporary solutions, you run from one temporary solution to another. It's activity you almost get addicted to because you'd be under the impression that you are dealing with your pain and sometimes anger. 

Under normal circumstances, people do a lot of different things to escape their day-to-day stress. It might be reading a book, going on holiday or collecting art and so on. We can safely call it, escapism. My whole life is now dedicated to finding escapism. Sometimes in the form of human beings; friends and lately a possible romantic partner. Everything else that used to be escapism involved my late husband. Books, travel, spending time with the kids, wine and dinning and going out dancing. He was there with me. Our friends were a treat to spend time with, because we are all so busy. 

But lately they are my source of strength and I am beginning to slip out of their amazing and constant show of love and compassion. I am deliberately slipping out of this comfort zone so I can make sense of my new normal. On my way out, I found a new friend and we’re now looking at whether or not we can be more. It's another temporary solution to my loneliness. On the face of it, that's what it looks like. It is a selfish thing to do. I still want to hold on to Les, but I also enjoy being with someone willing to come into my life at a time like this. The logical thing is to reject and do what everyone else does. "Deal with my grief". But luckily, I am not everybody. It's a choice between facing this alone and doing this with someone who won't be fazed my trips to the cemetery, pictures of Les everywhere and talking about him every now and then. I mean, this is enough to send anyone packing. But this individual wants all of that. Yuck! I know I would not even go anywhere near someone who’s just lost their partner. Especially when it's well known it was the love of their life. He is also someone who could be with anyone he wanted to be with. At the moment his choice is me and all my baggage. Very unpopular with the conservatives in my life. But no one knows what I am going through and how I'd like to go about it. I don't want to accept or reject anything because of anyone other than myself. I am strong enough to try things out and fail without falling apart all over again. If I lost the love of my life and still standing, there's nothing that can break me. I am already giving away what I don't have because I have nothing much to lose. Although it's important to be fair to myself and everyone close to me. Especially this brave man. 

This whole this is crazy because on the morning of the 8th of July this year, Lesley and I were putting final touches to our future. It was going to be outside Gauteng Province and possibly outside the country. But here am I, seeking to band aid on a bullet wound. Four months ago, he was here. I am damaged goods that someone else wants. Damaged in a sense that I was in a forever arrangement with my husband. Now I have to reboot a system that was never meant for an upgrade. Do I even have it in me to give companionship to anyone else who is not Lesley? I won't say no, but I am not confident about that. Simply because it can't be the same as the last time I did this.