Mothers

Our first Christmas without Lesley. This pic was taken at home in Sosha, after a good cry Mama and I had that afternoon. 

You know, some of us grew up with mothers who just made everything okay. I have vivid memories of some of our darkest times as a family. But for some reason, hearing Mama's voice informed me that we wouldn't be in the dark for much longer. I also know her strength from the conversations we never had. I observed her experiences. She just never let go in all the many different challenges I saw her overcome. So she became my safety net for when I fall for a long time and I felt safe knowing I vould refuel my life from.her love.
But the pain of losing the love of your life, is a pain not even a mother understands. Her presence makes the whole experience much more difficult becasue she too is experiencing pain. Lesley was her son. And he was my husband. This is the first time  I saw Mama let go. She let her pain be seen and she acknowledged it. It made itself felt with tears even months after Les left us. God knows how many times I abandoned my grief to reassure her I'd be okay. But the truth is you don't heal completely. It's still early days. Mama's pain hurts me even more. Lesley! What have you done!?

Holding it in

It's that time of the year. Happy times all round. And you know, social media makes it so easy to share these great moments with everyone. I expected that I would have fallen apart by now from grief and wishing my Lesley was here with me. When the moment to fall apart comes, I embrace it. I don't induce it because of my well-known fear of drowning in depression. I have been sharing my pain and this journey since Lesley's passing. For many reasons, I chose to share this story. But I found myself stopping myself for a while. Especially now. Forced myself into private mourning and learning the difference between being alone and feeling lonely. Yes, we are all going through different difficulties and must express them. For some odd reason though, I felt public mourning and expression of grief would be selfish. It's difficult to absorb all the happiness trending on my timeline. Even when I create a happy environment for myself, it's certainly a mechanism to float so no one ever has to leave their party to come rescue me. In all the times I dressed up and posed for pictures, it was just another plan I came up with just to survive. I found peace in holding it in. And it is the way to go from now on. Nothing I do can ever fill this gap. So whatever I do from now on, is either to survive or going the direction of a new path with full of things unknown to me.

Early morning thoughts

There are mornings where I wake disappointed because I am alive. Classic sign of depression I guess and it is expected considering the amount of shock and trauma I am going through. Time does not heal, but it intensifies the pain and make you realise that death is final. It's much harder for people like me who love being in control and having the power to influence or change a situation.

The temptation for people in my situation is despair. Especially now during the festive season. But it's easier to acknowledge the difficulties of being lonely at this time, while trying to cultivate some inner peace so we survive the days ahead. Back when my grief was fresh, I never thought I'd enjoy the small, ordinary events of life. I do now. Family and friends, birds singing and watching the blue skies turn grey. Looking out the window during a storm and walking the dog. They give me a good feeling.

There is really no happiness, but I do experience moments of joy. It comes from the hard work we do trying to survive in the midst of this piercing overriding loss. It's still too soon to relax and begin to trust life again, but at least  I know that's what needs to happen. 

Through memory, love transcends the limits of time and offers hope and courage to carry on to the next day. Not always easy to see the lesson as I've said, sometimes I wish I could die and not experience this pain that you must sometimes smile or make people feel good while you are carrying it. Almost like learning to walk again. I don't know how to be without the love of my life. It was also important to acknowledge that we can medicate as much as we want, but the only way to survive is to be present in the moment of grief. People medicate differently. Some seek validation and pity from others, while some try replace what's lost. Most take prescription for their doctors. I have tried avoid all of the above, but I will label my situation as "surviving".

 May your beautiful soul rest in peace Lesley. I miss you motho wa ka!