Song To The Moon

These are translated lyrics to one of the most famous opera arias. It's from the opera Rusalka by Antonin Dvorak. I post this looking at the full moon from my window in Soshanguve, Pretoria. I read the words and they help express how I feel.

Moon, high and deep in the sky

Your light sees far,

You travel around the wide world,

and see into people's homes.

Moon, stand still a while

and tell me where is my dear.

Tell him, silvery moon,

that I am embracing him.

For at least momentarily

let him recall of dreaming of me.

Illuminate him far away,

and tell him, tell him who is waiting for him!

If his human soul is, in fact, dreaming of me, 

may the memory awaken him!

Moonlight, don't disappear, disappear!

People die...

Since you left, every time I hear of someone's death, I relive the trauma of your passing.
People die. You and I attended funerals together. Not so long ago our friend Joyce lost her brother. You and I were there for her. You and I spoke about death and the need to love and cherish each other more.

People die. I have never made sense of death and how it impacts those left behind. I don't think many people confront all of that until they lose someone to death.

People die. Others will want to move on. But I don't want to move on. I want to stand here. In the rain. In the sun. In the cold. Until it sinks in that you are not coming back. Some people will not understand why I still cry. It's two months since you've been gone. More people still die. Sometimes I want to die too. Sometimes I want to live. But all I can do is survive, because people die.

Amazing Grace

eNCA late night news for the first time since Lesley's passing. He was my biggest fan. Learnt of his death after reading my last bulletin on 8th July 2017. Life will never be the same. Rest in Peace my love. 

You would be so proud of me baby. The last time I read a news bulletin was the day I was told you are gone forever. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I still remember the way I was screaming. In disbelief. I wanted Angelo to take back the words he told me.
Today I braved the cold brought by that memory. I went back on air and I did this in your memory. You were so proud of me. Always expressing excitement and even making big plans on top of the dreams we both shared. You believed in me even when I was blinded by doubt. Now I'm looking back at the last few hours and amazed that I didn't break down. The whole experience is another reminder that you are really gone. Is this what "life goes on" feels like?  Every milestone and every achievement without you is painful. I seek your validation and motivation. They came from a warm and genuine place. I was always guaranteed love and honesty. I miss you Les.
I'm still shocked that I pulled it off. I must confess I did check my phone to see if you sent me anything. You always sent text messages telling me to sit up straight or sometimes make fun of me when I fluff. But you always told me how handsome I am. And never stopped saying how proud you were. I worked with the same crew that received the news about your passing with me. They were supportive and we declared today's broadcast to be in your memory. You are loved and missed sthandwa sam.

Gratitude, pain and anger

3 June 2017, we had just arrived at what would be our last weekend away. 

When a baby cries, a mother would always know what to do to comfort the baby. With just a cry, a mother will know if it's because the child is hungry, sleepy or in pain. That's how babies communicate. With a cry. And if a mere mortal can figure out a crying baby without any words, surely I don't need a sophisticated method to communicate my anger and sadness to God. He knows my cry.

I am nowhere near closure, but I have made a decision to have a little bit of gratitude in my life. Through all of this pain and anger, I feel I need to make every day count and not wallow in the sadness and pain. Ignoring it won't help either, but I just want to be able to carry the pain for as long as it lasts. I suspect that the pain will outlive me. I don't want to be without you, but I have to accept the things that I am unable to change. You were in my life for a purpose and I believe the time I had with you was always a loan from the creator. A loan without interest. But I do take away so much enriching life experiences from the love you gave me. 

There's no template to dealing with grief. We are not given any opportunity to bargain when death arrives. There's no time to negotiate and that's why we dwell on the pain and anger. At least I know that's why I am always so depressed. I have had the best times with you, but I feel I should have been prepared to deal with a possibility that you would be gone so soon. Someone said "focus on your strength and not so much on your pain". People say all sorts of things when they are trying to comfort another person. I thought to myself, "What strength do I have, when I can't even plan three hours ahead of my life?" 

Writing this blog has been helpful. I used to not know what to do, when I am overwhelmed. Every time I break down, I reached out to a friend. It's not sustainable. Even though people want to be there for  me, it's just not practical to always want someone with me, when you were the one person that was always with me and there for me. That's why I want to at least have one thought of gratitude every day. Even if it's just one. Be grateful  that I met you. I am not going to fight grief. I will let the process unfold, but I will force myself to have even if it's just one thought of gratitude every day. I have no regrets about anything between us. All I have is gratitude that I met you. I will work on the anger, so I can live a bit more to can make every day count. The pain is deep and intense still. Time is no healer as many say, we just learn to carry the pain and hopefully it will be less intense. I love you. 

From strength to strength

The only thing that doesn't changeIn this picture is my weight. 
But we hada lot of Aromat to make us look great. And boy, We 
felt great too! 2010 vs 2016

You and I watched each other grow. A "living together" relationship was new to both of us. It overwhelmed us at times. It fulfilled  us most of the time. We took solace in the many years we've been together and the path we walked to get to our happiness and contentment.  If I had to use material or things that money can buy, I'd still come to the same conclusion that we really watched each other grow.

We didn't have much when we met. But we were too drunk in love to notice that we were the laughing stock, sometimes of the gay community we thought we belonged to. We lived in my patents' back room. That was our love nest for many, many years. We were not deterred. We actually laughed along with everyone. Except we laughed cause we made each other so happy. 

We were happy till the day you died. I have no one to look back with, to see how far we've really come. In my previous post I spoke about how you continued to write our love story, when I thought it was over. I look at pictures from many years ago, I have a good laugh because they remind of days when we made things work with very little resources.  We made it fun. We made it easy. I wouldn't call it struggles. It was preparation for great things that followed. Not just material, but there was spiritual growth. And that's what kept us together. You would always say to me, especially when we were happy, "Ke tswa kgole le wena baby ". I knew exactly what you meant because I was there with you every day. Friends came and left. Seasons changed, but we remained.

We were so close we spoke to each other every day even when we "broke up". Even the big break up back in 2011. Hahaha. We even had lunch together on some of those days. 

It's difficult to focus on the strength I have now and not the pain. Ke utlwile botlhoko. But you are the light into this darkness. And I want to thank you for coming into my dreams. 

Today I just wanted to say thank you for the journey. I was laughing when I thought of when our Toyota Yaris was our only car and we shared it. Years later we had more than that. Enough to say we have worked hard. We had choices we couldn't make years ago. Little did I know, one of the measures we use to gauge our growth is the one that will kill you. The car that you loved. 

I love you. 

Things we hold on to

Some of the last things
we said to each other on
the day he died.

I got a call from the tracking device company at 19:12 on Saturday, 8 July 2017. They asked if you were okay and I said, "of course he's fine, I spoke to him not too long ago". They claimed they could not track your car. My first thought was your problematic battery and told them it had happened before. I called you. You didn't answer, but I left you in the company of friends and so I thought you would have called of there anything wrong.

I didn't realise 19:12 was just after the impact  that ended your life. It's 2017 now and technology helps us hold on to our ladt moments together. I kept our text conversations. The way I documented our life and the little things we did together, it's like I knew you were not here for long. 

I still have so many questions about why you even took the route you did when you left home. I still feel like I should have done something to make you miss the time and place where you died. I acknowledge your death. I am not in denial about that. One day I will concede defeat to the universe and accept that the one love I had and guarded so jealously, is no longer with me. But in my mind and heart, you will always be the love of my life. 

My heart aches so much baby.  You never gave up on me. When I refused to see ways to make things better, you turned the page and continued writing our love story. With a lot of conviction, you taught me to love even when life had so much hopelessness.  You gave me all that, but now you leave me shocked, angry and sad. Only you could love a man like me. Through everything we've overcome, I cannot imagine any human being who would choose to sacrifice themselves the way you did for me. 

Let's also not forge how sexy you are my love. The lust I have for you. "Ever lusting love" I used to call it. You laughed at me. All I havr now is our last conversations. In my heart and on my phone. I wish you'd just come back. 

My father's son. My mother's child.

This is you and
Papa back in 2015,
Painting the wall
at home. Love how
You loved each other

 I am in between two extremes. I experience fulfilling moments with family, friends and colleagues. And then there are these new lows I experience as a hang over from the good times. That's mostly when I miss you. The pain is still so intense.

I am not the only one missing you. Papa misses his babrber. You. He does not say it so much. He rarely expresses his feelings. But I saw him shed a tear this weekend. I spoke about you to both him and Mama. I was choking as I was telling them the plans we had for this weekend. I saw Papa cry too. You both took a while before you warmed up to each other. When the period of getting to know each other ended. You were father and son.

I know this from your disagreements. I learned it from the things you did together. Most of them without me. I've walked into the conversations you had with him. About work, cars about your family. I also remember how he jokingly threatened to kick us out of the house when we didn't tell him we won't be coming back home.

I also won't forget how you helped nurse him back to health when he was attacked with injuries we thought would kill him. You were the pillar of the family. The hospital drives. The hugs and love you showed the whole family. The most beautiful expression of love you've always shown was respect. That's your legacy. That's one of the lessons I take from this painful experience. You are my father's son. He misses you.

I took a photo of you, capturinga picture of Mama in her church
choir uniform during one of theirfestivals. Mama's always been
proud of us and happy to see together.

Mama wears your sweater every week. She's hurting. But she's asking us not to cry so much for you. She reckons  our cries will not set your free into the afterlife. She prays a lot for your spirit to find peace. She's also asking you to appear in her dreams and assure her you're at peace. You are my mother's child. She misses you.

I miss you.