Gratitude, pain and anger

3 June 2017, we had just arrived at what would be our last weekend away. 

When a baby cries, a mother would always know what to do to comfort the baby. With just a cry, a mother will know if it's because the child is hungry, sleepy or in pain. That's how babies communicate. With a cry. And if a mere mortal can figure out a crying baby without any words, surely I don't need a sophisticated method to communicate my anger and sadness to God. He knows my cry.

I am nowhere near closure, but I have made a decision to have a little bit of gratitude in my life. Through all of this pain and anger, I feel I need to make every day count and not wallow in the sadness and pain. Ignoring it won't help either, but I just want to be able to carry the pain for as long as it lasts. I suspect that the pain will outlive me. I don't want to be without you, but I have to accept the things that I am unable to change. You were in my life for a purpose and I believe the time I had with you was always a loan from the creator. A loan without interest. But I do take away so much enriching life experiences from the love you gave me. 

There's no template to dealing with grief. We are not given any opportunity to bargain when death arrives. There's no time to negotiate and that's why we dwell on the pain and anger. At least I know that's why I am always so depressed. I have had the best times with you, but I feel I should have been prepared to deal with a possibility that you would be gone so soon. Someone said "focus on your strength and not so much on your pain". People say all sorts of things when they are trying to comfort another person. I thought to myself, "What strength do I have, when I can't even plan three hours ahead of my life?" 

Writing this blog has been helpful. I used to not know what to do, when I am overwhelmed. Every time I break down, I reached out to a friend. It's not sustainable. Even though people want to be there for  me, it's just not practical to always want someone with me, when you were the one person that was always with me and there for me. That's why I want to at least have one thought of gratitude every day. Even if it's just one. Be grateful  that I met you. I am not going to fight grief. I will let the process unfold, but I will force myself to have even if it's just one thought of gratitude every day. I have no regrets about anything between us. All I have is gratitude that I met you. I will work on the anger, so I can live a bit more to can make every day count. The pain is deep and intense still. Time is no healer as many say, we just learn to carry the pain and hopefully it will be less intense. I love you.