I appreciate the bad times too

Yesterday I was thinking so much about what I choose to hold on to, in order to keep your memory alive. We are very subjective about what we choose to remember about people we love. Especially people who are no longer in this world. I was having a debate in my head about whether it's good to just edit out the bad times and hold on to the the best times.

We survived our worst days and that means we were okay. I cried so much yesterday thinking of the days I hurt you. You were not much of a talker, and I went through an email you sent me in 2012, expressing how I hurt you with words when we disagreed. I probably said what I said, thinking I still had you for many years to come. I thought I had all the time in the world to make it up to you. I did make it up to you, but I don't have you now to look back at the long journey we travelled to reach the peak of our relationship.
The early big fights had already happened and we were on cruise mode. It had been long since we had a meltdown. It's something I really appreciate. And I will keep saying for as long as I live. You and I fought and disagreed like people who loved each other. And we both knew and understood that we needed more than love to stay together. We were at a point where we could read each other's body language. The funny moments were when you were upset and didn't want to talk about it. You still kissed me good morning. But it wasn't the usual long, warm, signature kiss. That's how I could tell I pissed you off. You still called to say you got to work safe. But it would never be "Hi babaloo or Hello babe" as usual. You would just say "Hi". You sent all the signs out there to say "wa mbora, but I love you". I think about those moments too.
And then the long WhatsApp messages would follow.
We always worked things out. The last two weeks of your life felt like we were recovering from a lover's quarrel. There was love like never before. The last hours together were like we knew it was end of the road. You even left a message for me with your sister. It's all those difficult days we overcame that made us love each other to the end. I love and miss you.
All I can do is just hold on to everything you gave me. Especially love. There's no regret or things that were unsaid between us. I love how you'd turn pink when I caught you flirting with boys. Hahahaha. I know I was defensive when you caught me. I'd even deny it despite evidence. Hahahaha. I wasn't scared to lose you. I was just too embarassed that I wanted it all. You and all the other meaningless things I did. I can't speak for you. But I never doubted your love and commitment to me. It was beyond love. It was way beyond love. And all I can is hold on to that.