My Heiligenstadt Testament

The Heiligenstadt Testament is a letter Ludwig van Beethoven wrote to his brothers when his health began to deteriorate. I could not find a better analogy of the way I feel today. You knew my love for classical music and it's something you embraced. Beethoven no longer wanted to be in denial. He perhaps thought this was going to help him deal with his new normal. He didn't realise he wasn't slightly losing his hearing, but he'd be completely deaf. But you know what my love? He still managed to compose music that we still play decades later.

Today, I feel like I am writing my own Heiligenstadt Testament because of the aches in my heart and soul. The transition from being married to you and now having to mourn your death has put me through a phase of severe emotional dis-ease. Everything I walk into reminds me of the change and the new life I have to embark on.

Like Beethoven, I am losing all my senses. I can't hear music the way I used to. When I hear your favourite track, I sob. I wipe the tears and carry on. I carry on even though I know I will hit another snag and another one.

The bright side to my testament perhaps is that I am making peace with this reality. I acknowledge it's not just change, but a completely new life. I accept it, mainly because I have no other option. Today we heard of another colleague who's battling with cancer. Chances of survival are so slim. It made me sad. Sad that a young, vibrant human being would die.

Life will be cut short just like yours. Yours was even more traumatic because no one saw it coming. It's then I told a colleague and friend of mine that I'd swap places with anyone with a terminal disease. When I lost you, I asked myself what's the worst that could ever happen to me. I am already living my worst nightmare. I have lost my sight, my hearing and ability to do the things I did when I knew I'd end up in your arms. This is not self-pity but a mere acknowledgement of the dearth or lack of appetite for a new life. Fear of the unknown. That's my testament.