Story behind your violent death

Yesterday I cried, until I just could not cry anymore. Some days I just don't cry at all. I think about you and just feel good that we had the time to create some great memories. I am slowly walking towards acceptance of God's deliberate plans. There are so many moments that have made me realise that it had to be you that left and not me. The day I was told you were gone, I wanted to trade places with you. God knows, weeks after your funeral, I had suicidal thoughts and just wanted to die. I still don't know how to live without you.

This is one of the moments I will cherish forever. It's the day
you unexpectedly came to my office to bring me flowers and the
Thomas Sankara book I have been threatening to buy for many weeks.
This picture was taken by friend and colleague Mpho Majoro. 

But there are challenges I face dealing with your passing. I would not want you to go through all of that trauma. Look, I'd prefer being with you here dealing with life's challenges like we always did. We conquered. You were called before me and after everything I've gone through, I am beginning to see why things happened the way they did. You are in a better place my love. I will probably never stop longing for you. I also still believe the pain of losing you will outlive me. I am being shown every day through good and bad experiences, why it had to be you and not me.

I was bitter and angry at God. I still am to a certain extent. Especially about how you died. It was a violent death. You were a beautiful kind man. You were loving and always put others first. When I saw the wreckage of the car, I was so hurt. I am still hurting thinking about it. The voice of my brother still echoes. Telling me I should not go see your body. He was the first one to arrive at the scene of the accident. He is still trying to cope with the image of your lifeless, battered body. I pray that you didn't feel any pain. I try not think about it. But it is what upsets me most about your passing. 

I was comforted by Prof Patrick Lumumba last week when he paid homage to a South African political activist and a champion of the anti-apartheid movement, Onkgopotse Tiro. He was killed by a parcel bomb from the apartheid police. He was young and handsome just like you. Prof. Lumumba gave me another perspective that helps me recover from this tragedy. He spoke about many great people who did great things, but still died horrific deaths. "Tiro died a good death. You died the death of brave men. Those God loves die violently," he said. He mentioned Christ, Ghandi and Sankara as some of the great people who died violently. I also thought of Ruth First and some of the people you and I knew. You were a great person and you are missed so much. Rest in Peace. Don't stop coming through dreams.