Either way, I end up in the same place if not worse. Every day I stumble on something that reminds me what a lovely man you were. Great and small pieces of evidence that says, "Matuba you were loved". Just the other I wrote that I was beginning to accept God's will. It's a painful experience.
Fear, anger and sorrow reign in my life. We made all those big decisions together. We debated some of them for days. I looked forward to rehashing our whatsapp conversations in the evening. I laugh about how I used to pretend not to be on my phone when you walk into the bedroom. You used to be grumpy about my addiction to my phone. "E le gore o busy le mang cause nna ke teng". It was cute when you wanted to macho man. I enjoyed submitting to your attention-seeking rants. They were probably not a good way to know that I wasn't giving the attention you wanted. But it was our own tango dance. We knew the moves to our routine, habits and everything that made us who we are. It's still feels like a dream! I find myself crying in the middle of a traffic jam. Tears just rolling down my face. Every time when I entertain the fact that you're gone forever. I just break down. That's why I've beem running away from reality in recent days. Finding distraction and hoping I won't have enough time to be swallowed by this beast. Grief. Temporary solutions. I take advantage of them whenever I can find one. But it's just a waste of time. I'm so sad baby. I'm just so sad nothing makes sense.
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