The Guilt

Since you've been gone, I've been feeling guilty after every good time I have with people. Everyone is trying to do the impossible and I appreciate it. It really gets me through to the next day. Knowing people care and are not impatient with me. Sometimes I don't even want to eat thinking to about where you are and if you're at peace. After every good laugh with friends, my grin fades away so quickly when I am alone thinking about you.

I can't even flirt with boys anymore or even make straight guys uncomfortable by calling them "babe" or "honey". All the things that made you say "You're crazy, but I love you". I lost myself when I lost you. I'm not in a hurry to anything. I think I'm slowly discovering this new place and it's pace. I'm still discovering the things that trigger the reality that you will never come back. It's almost three months, but everything is still pretty much new to me. I don't know how to be someone else. But I don't remember being without you, so everything I am for the past nine years has everything to do with you. So my baby, I do feel guilty when I have fun without you. I know it's good for me. But it feels like I'm leaving you behind. Is this what's called moving on? It scares the shit out of me. 

I know you'd want me to be happy. And this I know because you said it to me many times. I also knew through everything you've done for me. Your everyday commitment to our love is enough testimony to know that you'd want me to be happy. I love and miss you.