Things we hold on to

Some of the last things
we said to each other on
the day he died.

I got a call from the tracking device company at 19:12 on Saturday, 8 July 2017. They asked if you were okay and I said, "of course he's fine, I spoke to him not too long ago". They claimed they could not track your car. My first thought was your problematic battery and told them it had happened before. I called you. You didn't answer, but I left you in the company of friends and so I thought you would have called of there anything wrong.

I didn't realise 19:12 was just after the impact  that ended your life. It's 2017 now and technology helps us hold on to our ladt moments together. I kept our text conversations. The way I documented our life and the little things we did together, it's like I knew you were not here for long. 

I still have so many questions about why you even took the route you did when you left home. I still feel like I should have done something to make you miss the time and place where you died. I acknowledge your death. I am not in denial about that. One day I will concede defeat to the universe and accept that the one love I had and guarded so jealously, is no longer with me. But in my mind and heart, you will always be the love of my life. 

My heart aches so much baby.  You never gave up on me. When I refused to see ways to make things better, you turned the page and continued writing our love story. With a lot of conviction, you taught me to love even when life had so much hopelessness.  You gave me all that, but now you leave me shocked, angry and sad. Only you could love a man like me. Through everything we've overcome, I cannot imagine any human being who would choose to sacrifice themselves the way you did for me. 

Let's also not forge how sexy you are my love. The lust I have for you. "Ever lusting love" I used to call it. You laughed at me. All I havr now is our last conversations. In my heart and on my phone. I wish you'd just come back.