My refuge

One of our first pictures together.
This was taken on Charmaine & Thabiso's
Wedding in March of 2009. It was also the first time I
introduced you officially to my friends. It was the beginning of our forever. 

I want to say that music and books have been my refuge during this impossible time. I want to credit music because the words in the songs articulate my longing for you so perfectly. So perfect, I almost expect a response from you. I have been choosing poetry more to read, and it's the kind that also gives pesperctive on life and death.
But I have figured neither music nor literature is my refuge.

Solitude is my safe place. I have found that every time I am alone, (with you) it's the only time I'm able to feel what I need to feel. All my moments alone put me in touch with the reality of your absence in a more intimate way. Sometimes I can't handle it and that's when I cry. On my own, I just cry and cry. I cry myself to sleep hoping to wake up next to you or see you in my dreams. I somehow keep on raising my hopes and wake up disappointed at times. But that's the beauty of solitude. It's time to make sense of the things that don't even make sense.

Your passing will not make sense to me for many days to come. I have resolved to learn how I will carry the pain. There is nothing that can ever replace this void you left. When I'm alone I can't even answer my phone when friends call because I'd be crying. Sometimes I just answer and pretend I'd been sleeping.

Usually when I'm home alone, you'd be on the other end of the telephone line telling me where you are. I would not be so lonely because I'd be looking forward to seeing you back home. It's easy to say I will hold on to the memories. But It's not good enough. I have to settle for the memories, but it's still just not as good as having you here, holding me and sharing your dreams with me.

Today's note was just to tell you not to worry so much about me baby. Especially when I choose to be by myself. It's the time I use to take it all in. The love. The loss. The pain. The support. The emptiness. And the faith I have that some day we will be reunited when I cross over.

In the meantime I will do what the living do. And of course preserve your memory for the sake of your kids. All of them. They miss you so much. Morena still sleeps holding the funeral programme. Pictures of you are all over his room. Palesa and Kamo talk about you all the time. Theresho hasn't stopped crying. Our parents are still shocked.

We are all trying to find our feet so we can carry on. We are all doing it in different ways. I chose solitude because it helps deal with the outside world. I love and miss you.