Reason we're not together today

This is a note I woke up to on 29 May 2015. He had beautiful
handwriting and a beautiful heart. I will miss this love.

I just confessed to my friend Rene that the one of the reasons why I have not taken my own life to be with you, is whether I'd see you when my soul leaves this world. If I knew for sure where you were gone, I would really come for you. The other honest truth is that I am not brave enough to do it. You also left some work to be done and in your memory, I want to do everything I can to get the work done.

This is in no way trying to undermine the love shown to me and the family since you left. I have said it so many times that the love is the only light we have in this time of darkness. People shared their personal stories of grief. Apparently it does not get better. People just learn to live with this pain.

I am starting to do a lot of things on my own now that I have gone back to work. It's traumatic not to be able to hear you complain how I ruin your sleep with the opening an closing of drawers. I'd kiss you good bye any way even when you are upset with me. Every morning, without fail, you would ask me to drive safe. Those were your words to me every single morning when I leave the house.

The irony in all of this made me break down in front of colleagues here at work. I didn't get the "did you arrive safe text". I won't get the "going to shower" text either. We always knew each others' moves and that's how we knew if either of us was up to no good. That's how we knew if one of us wasn't okay. That's how it made sense you had left this world when I didn't get any text from you when I got to work that day.

I also have good news my love. I finally found a willing publisher to finish your book. The 42 pages you wrote when you were working in Rustenburg.