Still holding on

Our favourite spot, Baob Wonderboom. One of the many nights we spent there having our dinner.
And we always dressed up for these things. Photo credit to Kate Pilane who happened to be there too.

The feeling I have now is the extreme opposite of our every day life. We drove each other crazy. But our cat fights didn't last long. We made each other laugh a lot. And I miss that genuine laugh from your belly when I made fun of politicians and people we gossiped about. We had our own private jokes about people and things we experienced together. We'd laugh at the same joke for days. I will always miss that. 

This was the selfie on the same night
before we left to dinner. You loved funny
faces. I was up for it any time. I miss you.

Now I am back to where we started. No one believes this, but I was a very socially awkward person until I met you. I only went to places where I knew I'd have few people that I know. But you and I teamed up and we broke that boundary. We went to places not knowing what to expect. I remember our last adventure was the Capital Beer Festival at the Botanical Gardens in Pretoria. We got there and we laughed so hard at the fact that we were the only Black people for a while and we high-fived and celebrated when we saw another Black person. We had the best food and lots of beer. We had each other, well I had you. I even saw you talk to people you didn't know. At some point, you had to explain the LGBTI cap you were wearing. You loved showing me off and kissing me in public. I enjoyed all those things, You took me out of the shell I was in for a long time. Mainly because I still could not believe I was experiencing the kind of love you showed me. I also could not believe that I could love another human being like that. I thought about these things a lot. The things that make me happy and the people I value. You were always on top of that list. 

I will never make peace with fact that I will never see you again. I am learning to carry the intensity of the pain every day. Sometimes I win, but most times I lose. But the safety net for me at the moment is the great times we had together. We laughed, loved and danced to our own tune. It was really rewarding. I will always hold on to that. I love you baby.