Back to routine. Without You

Joburg Gay Pride 2012

It's day three since I've gone back to work. I'm my usual inappropriate self and trying to tell South African stories in the best possible way. Something you were always proud of.

As I've said before, you and I punctuated each other's day.

I still have to think about why I haven't heard from you. There's this thing I do when I remember that you're gone. It's actually a feeling I cannot describe. No one sees or feels it with me. 

One of the news items today involved a fatal car accident. Everyone at work tried to save me from dealing with that story. I saw the car wreckage, but prerended I hand not. I watcjed the compassion of colleagues taking over just so I don't relive the trauma of how I lost you. That feeling came back. I let it take over. Without breaking down, it took me over.

The extraordinary thing about your passing is there are people who haven't met you, but want to honour your memory. Most of them say it's because they know how happy you made me. I still have that love for you in my heart. Some of the people are just genuinely compassionate and just want to ease the pain. Their gestures remind me of you. Generous, loving and full of compassion. It's like your spirit has redirected all this towards me. We miss you Papa Les. Iponagatse ka ditoro. Robala ka Khutšo Tau.