From my mouth, to God's ears

Your coffin covered with a Pall,
which signifies Christ's triumph
over death. I love that you maintined
your beliefs and faith in the diversity
Of our time together. Rest in Peace my love

Whatever one's belive in God, I know we can agree that some lives are taken far too early and others far too late and sometimes with a lot of suffering.
I do believe in God. I have just been unable to pray or meditate ever since your passing. I sit in silence and rather talk to you hoping your hear how I long for you. I'd rather have you know my despair without you than direct prayers to God.
Your life was cut short far too early. And as a person who believes in God, I have questions. Questions I know may never be answered. All I can rely on now is fate to lead me into this new path. Now I know, not all new things are good. I never wanted a "new" life without you. I call it new because it's a mystery and I still need to get used to the rythm.

I am writing today just to say I wish I could have cut a deal with God. Maybe not to prolong my life or yours, but to have prepared me. So much was taken away from me when you died. It's simply because everything else I had was because you were around. I am yet to face God in prayer and say what's in my heart and on my mind.

Sometimes I am living like a person driving through red robots hoping a big truck will crash into me and end it all. But most times I sit in the comfort of love given to me by family and friends. Being without you will be new to me for a very long time.
For the first time I spoke about a cute guy I saw at the opera. He plays the cello. I've always giggled and spoke about my new found crush to the girls and some would say "Lesley is gonna kill you". They always said it knowing that you are the king of my heart. But I felt human again and shared news about a cute boy without feeling that I disrespect your memory. I'm not sure if I am able to say all these things because of God, because I haven't spoken to him. I carry so much anger because of your death. Not only because I want you here with me, but because you had so much more to give to this world. You had just succeeded in reaching some of the dreams we shared. We both saw the horizon of a good future and we were mapping our way there. I felt better getting lost with you on our way there.
You are probably  saying God and Badimo will see me through. But they tore us apart. I still need to find my strength and maybe understanding of what your death is supposed to mean. They spoke in a violent language I am yet to grasp. I'm angry. I mourn from a place of anger. You are always in my heart. I love you.