My submission to grief

There is no right or wrong way to mourn. But I have realised that grief will make you almost schizophrenic. Especially when you are mostly surrounded by love and genuine people who want to see through your pain. Once you are in solitude, even after a spectacular day, grief strikes and sometimes paralyses you like you are hearing for the first time that your beloved is gone.

This was taken in May 2016, at a traditional ceremony in Winterveldt, Even
during serious moment, we found time to play. I can't remember who we were
pretending to be in this picture. He loved and embrace my calling as Sangoma

I don't even try to be bold or strong during this time. I think that trying is even a set back. It's harder for me because I prefer being in control or moving away from things I cannot get a hold of. Lesley would always ask me to let go every time I wanted to get to the bottom of anything that unsettles me. When I don't win, he'd be there. Not to say "I told you to let go" - but to comfort and console me. He was a kind man, soft-spoken and often walked away from drama. I'd often fight his battles. Even the ones he chose to ignore. It's a weakness I have, but it's a weakness that made us compliment each other. 

He was the only one I didn't fight or use force to express my frustration. Over time I learnt to be graceful especially when dealing with him. I could not believe how much I love that man. He got me to be submissive. Something I deliberately refused to do because of the many battles I've had to fight as a gay man in a hetero-normative world. The only space I was submissive was when he was around. And I learned that from him. He'd never try to win an argument. In the middle of my rage he'd kiss me and say good night, got to sleep. And he'd still want to hold me when I come to bed. It happened so many times I had to question myself and the way I do things. It almost felt like I was not loving him back enough. I know he didn't see it that way, but I resolved to just be gentle with him. I think that is what made us sail through even the most difficult times of our relationship. We forgave each other easily and used most of our time together bringing out the best in each other.

So my submission to grief is not a surprise. I am mourning the loss of a part of me. I am making peace with not being able to hear him call me "Mogatsake". Grief will make you look like a fool. One moment you are smiling, laughing and chatting away with friends. Next moment you are fighting back tears.