Take me to my love

I now know how it feels to have nothing to lose. I mean, I have already lost you. What's the worst that can happen now? It's easy to be faithless when dreams are crushed. People have been asking me if I could make sense of death easier because of I am Sangoma. Some people want me to embrace the fact that you have now crossed over to the afterlife. I am still not able to make peace with your death. The deep pain I am feeling now won't let me let go and believe that you are dead. Dead!

I don't want to be reasonable or practical. All I want now is you. Your smile, your laugh. Your  presence Lesley. I want to hold you again. 

I wish there was something I could do to stop time from moving. Just so I could stop counting the the days you've been gone! I try speak to God. Our creator. I can't ask him to bring you back. But I also don't know how to be without you. I can't stop my tears as I type this. I'm hurting so much. It's also confusing because I planned my whole life around you. Now I don't even know if I will wake up strong enough to go to work.

I just want to be with you. I wish I knew my way to where you are.

Growing pains

I'm part of that generation that has elderly parents who need extra care. I'm fortunate to still have both parents. Some of my friends have buried theirs. Others never really had both parents in their upbringing.
So this is perhaps how life has been good to me. Maybe unfair, but still god to me because I am not in charge fo what happens next.
Mama and Papa have always been the pillars in my life as a child. And they were also there for me when I chose my life partner. Lesley and I became one so quickly because our parents could not divide their love between us. In their own weird way they treated us like one. I reveal more beautiful stories in my upcoming book. But right now I want to express the pains of growing up. When I was younger I knew my parents were a safety net I'd fall on if life does not work out. For as long as they lived, I held on to the comfort zone they created for me. I watched them shield me from realities that could have easily broken me. But they always wanted me to know that they were not here for long and I needed to work on a Plan B. And I did. Lesley was actually a bonus. Because they had both of us. And we felt safe despite their old age. We felt so safe and that was one of the ingredients to our perfect love.
But now with Lesley gone and the pain so overwhelming, not even my mother who performed miracles can't make it better.
We grow up into situations that not even our parents can't save us. I also see how it's killing Mama.
She tells me every day that she feels bad she can't make me feel better. She tries. She fights. And she fails. Though it means so much to me to see her try to drag me out of this deep intense pain.  Many times she ends up inside that hole with me. All we do is hold on till the tide is not so strong. Les and I made a vow to care for them till the end. But it's all broken. We have anxiety about leaving each other broken. Lesley, I still can't believe it. Come back.

I appreciate the bad times too

Yesterday I was thinking so much about what I choose to hold on to, in order to keep your memory alive. We are very subjective about what we choose to remember about people we love. Especially people who are no longer in this world. I was having a debate in my head about whether it's good to just edit out the bad times and hold on to the the best times.

We survived our worst days and that means we were okay. I cried so much yesterday thinking of the days I hurt you. You were not much of a talker, and I went through an email you sent me in 2012, expressing how I hurt you with words when we disagreed. I probably said what I said, thinking I still had you for many years to come. I thought I had all the time in the world to make it up to you. I did make it up to you, but I don't have you now to look back at the long journey we travelled to reach the peak of our relationship.
The early big fights had already happened and we were on cruise mode. It had been long since we had a meltdown. It's something I really appreciate. And I will keep saying for as long as I live. You and I fought and disagreed like people who loved each other. And we both knew and understood that we needed more than love to stay together. We were at a point where we could read each other's body language. The funny moments were when you were upset and didn't want to talk about it. You still kissed me good morning. But it wasn't the usual long, warm, signature kiss. That's how I could tell I pissed you off. You still called to say you got to work safe. But it would never be "Hi babaloo or Hello babe" as usual. You would just say "Hi". You sent all the signs out there to say "wa mbora, but I love you". I think about those moments too.
And then the long WhatsApp messages would follow.
We always worked things out. The last two weeks of your life felt like we were recovering from a lover's quarrel. There was love like never before. The last hours together were like we knew it was end of the road. You even left a message for me with your sister. It's all those difficult days we overcame that made us love each other to the end. I love and miss you.
All I can do is just hold on to everything you gave me. Especially love. There's no regret or things that were unsaid between us. I love how you'd turn pink when I caught you flirting with boys. Hahahaha. I know I was defensive when you caught me. I'd even deny it despite evidence. Hahahaha. I wasn't scared to lose you. I was just too embarassed that I wanted it all. You and all the other meaningless things I did. I can't speak for you. But I never doubted your love and commitment to me. It was beyond love. It was way beyond love. And all I can is hold on to that.

Song To The Moon

These are translated lyrics to one of the most famous opera arias. It's from the opera Rusalka by Antonin Dvorak. I post this looking at the full moon from my window in Soshanguve, Pretoria. I read the words and they help express how I feel.

Moon, high and deep in the sky

Your light sees far,

You travel around the wide world,

and see into people's homes.

Moon, stand still a while

and tell me where is my dear.

Tell him, silvery moon,

that I am embracing him.

For at least momentarily

let him recall of dreaming of me.

Illuminate him far away,

and tell him, tell him who is waiting for him!

If his human soul is, in fact, dreaming of me, 

may the memory awaken him!

Moonlight, don't disappear, disappear!

People die...

Since you left, every time I hear of someone's death, I relive the trauma of your passing.
People die. You and I attended funerals together. Not so long ago our friend Joyce lost her brother. You and I were there for her. You and I spoke about death and the need to love and cherish each other more.

People die. I have never made sense of death and how it impacts those left behind. I don't think many people confront all of that until they lose someone to death.

People die. Others will want to move on. But I don't want to move on. I want to stand here. In the rain. In the sun. In the cold. Until it sinks in that you are not coming back. Some people will not understand why I still cry. It's two months since you've been gone. More people still die. Sometimes I want to die too. Sometimes I want to live. But all I can do is survive, because people die.

Amazing Grace

eNCA late night news for the first time since Lesley's passing. He was my biggest fan. Learnt of his death after reading my last bulletin on 8th July 2017. Life will never be the same. Rest in Peace my love. 

You would be so proud of me baby. The last time I read a news bulletin was the day I was told you are gone forever. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I still remember the way I was screaming. In disbelief. I wanted Angelo to take back the words he told me.
Today I braved the cold brought by that memory. I went back on air and I did this in your memory. You were so proud of me. Always expressing excitement and even making big plans on top of the dreams we both shared. You believed in me even when I was blinded by doubt. Now I'm looking back at the last few hours and amazed that I didn't break down. The whole experience is another reminder that you are really gone. Is this what "life goes on" feels like?  Every milestone and every achievement without you is painful. I seek your validation and motivation. They came from a warm and genuine place. I was always guaranteed love and honesty. I miss you Les.
I'm still shocked that I pulled it off. I must confess I did check my phone to see if you sent me anything. You always sent text messages telling me to sit up straight or sometimes make fun of me when I fluff. But you always told me how handsome I am. And never stopped saying how proud you were. I worked with the same crew that received the news about your passing with me. They were supportive and we declared today's broadcast to be in your memory. You are loved and missed sthandwa sam.

Gratitude, pain and anger

3 June 2017, we had just arrived at what would be our last weekend away. 

When a baby cries, a mother would always know what to do to comfort the baby. With just a cry, a mother will know if it's because the child is hungry, sleepy or in pain. That's how babies communicate. With a cry. And if a mere mortal can figure out a crying baby without any words, surely I don't need a sophisticated method to communicate my anger and sadness to God. He knows my cry.

I am nowhere near closure, but I have made a decision to have a little bit of gratitude in my life. Through all of this pain and anger, I feel I need to make every day count and not wallow in the sadness and pain. Ignoring it won't help either, but I just want to be able to carry the pain for as long as it lasts. I suspect that the pain will outlive me. I don't want to be without you, but I have to accept the things that I am unable to change. You were in my life for a purpose and I believe the time I had with you was always a loan from the creator. A loan without interest. But I do take away so much enriching life experiences from the love you gave me. 

There's no template to dealing with grief. We are not given any opportunity to bargain when death arrives. There's no time to negotiate and that's why we dwell on the pain and anger. At least I know that's why I am always so depressed. I have had the best times with you, but I feel I should have been prepared to deal with a possibility that you would be gone so soon. Someone said "focus on your strength and not so much on your pain". People say all sorts of things when they are trying to comfort another person. I thought to myself, "What strength do I have, when I can't even plan three hours ahead of my life?" 

Writing this blog has been helpful. I used to not know what to do, when I am overwhelmed. Every time I break down, I reached out to a friend. It's not sustainable. Even though people want to be there for  me, it's just not practical to always want someone with me, when you were the one person that was always with me and there for me. That's why I want to at least have one thought of gratitude every day. Even if it's just one. Be grateful  that I met you. I am not going to fight grief. I will let the process unfold, but I will force myself to have even if it's just one thought of gratitude every day. I have no regrets about anything between us. All I have is gratitude that I met you. I will work on the anger, so I can live a bit more to can make every day count. The pain is deep and intense still. Time is no healer as many say, we just learn to carry the pain and hopefully it will be less intense. I love you.