Look what I found

I didn't know this would be the last picture of you taken by me.
Seven days before you died. 01-08-2018

It was early hours on Saturday the 1st of July 2017 when woke up worried about your body temperature. "I don't feel so good love. Ke tshwere ke dikodu". I gave you no choice and we ended up at the emergency room to get you some help. I got impatient waiting for more than half an hour not knowing your condition. I was anxious and I inquired what was going on. I was told to be patient and wait. I was eventually allowed into you cubicle, you laughed at me for being hysterical. I kissed you like someone relieved to see you alive not knowing seven days later I'd be trying to make sense of life without you.



Two drips later, we were chatting, laughing and of course taking pictures. I took several of just you and this is the only one I ended up keeping. You continued with your plans to go to Limpopo to see family because you felt better. I remember we swapped cars because you wanted to take your sisters with you. And I was on the other hand going to work that same day. We both complained about not spending enough time together especially on weekends. We made a pact that we'd fix that situation.

I remember the many phone calls chats we had that day. I spoke to everyone you were with and promised the next trip I'd be coming with you. You were happy and in good spirits. It was like the emergency room episode never happened. I looked forward to coming back to you and that was how it was every single day. We were reunited and joked about how our week was going to be alcohol-free because you were on antibiotics and I was on flu medication. We were meant to have champagne on the day you died to break the "fast". But you didn't make it back home. We swapped back cars the day you died. I keep thinking maybe if you were still using my car, you would have had a chance of survival. It just does not stop. The what ifs. It's part of this painful experience. I can't reverse the time and I will never kiss those beautiful lips or see that smile again. To be honest, I don't even know where I get the strength to carry all of this. I don't even know if it's strength or just a phase before I completely fall apart. Mogatsake, I love and miss you.

The Guilt

Since you've been gone, I've been feeling guilty after every good time I have with people. Everyone is trying to do the impossible and I appreciate it. It really gets me through to the next day. Knowing people care and are not impatient with me. Sometimes I don't even want to eat thinking to about where you are and if you're at peace. After every good laugh with friends, my grin fades away so quickly when I am alone thinking about you.

I can't even flirt with boys anymore or even make straight guys uncomfortable by calling them "babe" or "honey". All the things that made you say "You're crazy, but I love you". I lost myself when I lost you. I'm not in a hurry to anything. I think I'm slowly discovering this new place and it's pace. I'm still discovering the things that trigger the reality that you will never come back. It's almost three months, but everything is still pretty much new to me. I don't know how to be someone else. But I don't remember being without you, so everything I am for the past nine years has everything to do with you. So my baby, I do feel guilty when I have fun without you. I know it's good for me. But it feels like I'm leaving you behind. Is this what's called moving on? It scares the shit out of me. 

I know you'd want me to be happy. And this I know because you said it to me many times. I also knew through everything you've done for me. Your everyday commitment to our love is enough testimony to know that you'd want me to be happy. I love and miss you. 

We say that the hour of death cannot be forecast. But when we say this, we imagine that the hour is placed in an obscure and distant future. 

It never occurs to us that it has any connection with the day already begun, or that death could arrive this same afternoon - this afternoon which is so certain, and which has every hour filled in advance. - Tod Waggner

Temporary solutions

I've become schizophrenic. One moment I'm upbeat and the next I'm completely broken. I'm already looking in the wrong places to fill the void. I'm starting to escape these difficult moments. Temporary solutions.

Either way, I end up in the same place if not worse. Every day I stumble on something that reminds me what a lovely man you were. Great and small pieces of evidence that says, "Matuba you were loved". Just the other I wrote that I was beginning to accept God's will. It's a painful experience. 

Fear, anger and sorrow reign in my life. We made all those big decisions together. We debated some of them for days. I looked forward to rehashing our whatsapp conversations in the evening. I laugh about how I used to pretend not to be on my phone when you walk into the bedroom. You used to be grumpy about my addiction to my phone. "E le gore o busy le mang cause nna ke teng". It was cute when you wanted to macho man. I enjoyed submitting to your attention-seeking rants. They were probably not a good way to know that I wasn't giving the attention you wanted. But it was our own tango dance. We knew the moves to our routine, habits and everything that made us who we are. It's  still feels like a dream! I find myself crying in the middle of a traffic jam. Tears just rolling down my face. Every time when I entertain the fact that you're gone forever. I just break down. That's why I've beem running away from reality in recent days. Finding distraction and hoping I won't have enough time to be swallowed by this beast. Grief. Temporary solutions. I take advantage of them whenever I can find one. But it's just a waste of time. I'm so sad baby. I'm just so sad nothing makes sense. 

Throw Back Thursday

I chose the picture you took and threatened to turn it into a meme. I hated the pic. In fact I still do. You complained about how I wasn't giving you attention. I was busy on my phone. Probably in a work WhatsApp group or something. I just remember how I got to make peace with the existence of this picture. I have only been able find strength to go through your phone now and your Drop Box. All the things you loved and wanted to keep.
There are still people who only found out recently that you are no more. But the reason I am writing this post is because I came across this picture in your phone and remembered your laugh and the fun you had when you were threatening to post it. I complained about looking fat. And your smile faded immediately and gave me a lecture about how I should stop talking like that. You knew how to exorcise my insecurity demons. You knew them so well. You loved me. You showed it every single day. Even during bad times.
Last night I went out to watch a movie with Gontse. We had dinner afterwards and all I talked about was you. Without crying I told him all about you.  He never really knew you, but he was touched by your passing. Many people wish they could take away this pain from me. All I can do now is just relive the memories and try feel good about them while I make peace with not being able to have more with you. I love you.

William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

“When he shall die,
Take him and cut him out in little stars,
And he will make the face of heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night
And pay no worship to the garish sun.”

Story behind your violent death

Yesterday I cried, until I just could not cry anymore. Some days I just don't cry at all. I think about you and just feel good that we had the time to create some great memories. I am slowly walking towards acceptance of God's deliberate plans. There are so many moments that have made me realise that it had to be you that left and not me. The day I was told you were gone, I wanted to trade places with you. God knows, weeks after your funeral, I had suicidal thoughts and just wanted to die. I still don't know how to live without you.

This is one of the moments I will cherish forever. It's the day
you unexpectedly came to my office to bring me flowers and the
Thomas Sankara book I have been threatening to buy for many weeks.
This picture was taken by friend and colleague Mpho Majoro. 

But there are challenges I face dealing with your passing. I would not want you to go through all of that trauma. Look, I'd prefer being with you here dealing with life's challenges like we always did. We conquered. You were called before me and after everything I've gone through, I am beginning to see why things happened the way they did. You are in a better place my love. I will probably never stop longing for you. I also still believe the pain of losing you will outlive me. I am being shown every day through good and bad experiences, why it had to be you and not me.

I was bitter and angry at God. I still am to a certain extent. Especially about how you died. It was a violent death. You were a beautiful kind man. You were loving and always put others first. When I saw the wreckage of the car, I was so hurt. I am still hurting thinking about it. The voice of my brother still echoes. Telling me I should not go see your body. He was the first one to arrive at the scene of the accident. He is still trying to cope with the image of your lifeless, battered body. I pray that you didn't feel any pain. I try not think about it. But it is what upsets me most about your passing. 

I was comforted by Prof Patrick Lumumba last week when he paid homage to a South African political activist and a champion of the anti-apartheid movement, Onkgopotse Tiro. He was killed by a parcel bomb from the apartheid police. He was young and handsome just like you. Prof. Lumumba gave me another perspective that helps me recover from this tragedy. He spoke about many great people who did great things, but still died horrific deaths. "Tiro died a good death. You died the death of brave men. Those God loves die violently," he said. He mentioned Christ, Ghandi and Sankara as some of the great people who died violently. I also thought of Ruth First and some of the people you and I knew. You were a great person and you are missed so much. Rest in Peace. Don't stop coming through dreams.