Embracing my widowed heart

The worst has happened. I lost the love of my life. I'm already living my worst nightmare. But grief is not like a course you need to finish in order to qualify for some certificate of life. I brace myself for a life long journey with extra strength to carry this painful reality. Even when we learn to smile and laugh again, we carry this sense of loss. At some point one feels like there is a need to be integrated back into one's community of friends. Talk and laugh about everything without the burden of trying to be sensitive around me. I had to find myself all over again after losing my husband. Live with the fact that I am widowed. The 'till death do us part' came a bit soon for us. But I go back into life with no fear or fragility. The worst has already happened. I lost the man I love.  And now I have to go and start 'living' without him. There's absolutely no rush back into this life. But I know I can't stay in the dark hole forever. I want to say Les wouldn't want that, but I won't use that old tired line. If I had to wait for who knows what, I'd never be able to preserve his memory. Immortalise the man who showed me love in a way I will never experience with anyone. Every journey has its pit stops. Mine will be full of tears and aches in my heart. I will still long for you for many years to come. But I am embracing all this and I will do it for as long I live. Till we meet again. I love you.

A new place

This was my first live broadcast since your passing. It became clear to me that the gods conspired to have me cover  Mozart's Requiem. A Requiem is mass for the dead, which was exactly what we did for you when you left. It was the first live I did without getting a text message from you. My number one fan. I miss you. 

Yesterday I saw old friends from my church youth choir days. It was mini reunion of old friends and so there was so much laughter and reminiscing about the good days we had together. We made fun of each other and our adult problems. We are among the lucky young South Africans employed, but we all laughed about how our salaries disappear within days after getting paid. Everyone had a story of how they survive each week.
We also laughed about me being a widow(er). I joked and said it was okay for everyone to hug and kiss me because I had already gone through all cleansing rituals which people like me go through. It's not as funny in English, but I made fun of everyone's money problems and told them I was still cashing in on insurances and shopping till I drop. It's not true, but it is the perception. It was a moment of reflection on serious issues with humour. We remembered how we could not wait to be adults and make our own rules. Everyone wished they had the rewind button taking us back to being carefree and younger.
Who would have thought that at 34, I'd have friends coming to my house to offer me condolences for the loss of my husband? Who thought I'd be here listening to the sound of my lover's silence? Is it part of growing up? I find myself in places that I drove past as I was growing up. I remember hearing someone's brother had passed away. Les and I attended funerals of close friends and relatives. We cried and consoled each other. We offered love and support for the bereaved families. We spoke about our own deaths like it was in our hands. We planned it for later, but today I find myself in a place I never imagined. That's what loss does to you. It takes you to places you saw from a distance. Places you don't spend your time thinking about.
Some of the conversations with old friends were about how long it takes before people start dating after loss. It hit me then that I was in that place I never thought of because Les and I were in a 'you are stuck with me' situation. It dawned on me that there is a future beyond grieving. We made all sorts of jokes about it, but on my way home, I was sad that some day I may have to turn a page and start over again. I want to pretend this future does not exist and hold on to mourning the love of my life. Yes, it's only been three months, but there is no gatekeeper to our thoughts and the conversations we can have about death and life after death. But all this talk collides with my deep sadness of losing the one I thought I was going to make things work with. We had already been through the worst, so I am sure we were going to make it work. But now I am stuck here in a place I never imagined.
This period also comes with people who will police how you mourn. It comes with people commenting on how often you go out and how long you should wait before you can do this and that. Lesley must be having a good laugh watching me deal with all this crap.
I am grateful for yesterday's meeting with old friends. It was the alarm clock set for me to realise that I was now in a new place. A place without my love. I will remember my arrival to this place as the space where I broke down a lot. I arrived at this place the day my Lesley died. It just took a few kak funny, insensitive jokes from old friends to make me realise where I am. There is no rush for me to be ready for this new place. The place can wait for me so I can create a world that I can live in. A space that will only have his memory because I intend to bring him along. Rest in Peace my baby.

When I didn't kiss you goodbye

When I didn't kiss you goodbye, it wouldn't be because I'm mad at you. It was always because you'd be sleeping so peacefully when I'm getting ready for my early morning shift. As soon as you woke up, I'd get a call or text message complaining why I didn't say goodbye. This is one of the pictures I presented to you last year. Trying to explain how I could not bring myself to ruining your beauty sleep. You'd still not appreciate that I left without saying goodbye. You were so strict with that tradition. You lived up to it every time. Angry or not, you kissed me hello and goodbye. I knew I had done something wrong if the kiss was on the cheek or on my forehead. That's also how I knew you had a bad day. There were signs in the kisses. I miss them. I remember on your last day on earth, you kept coming to our bedroom just to kiss me. Refusing to let me out of bed. I didn't know I had just spent my last night with you. I'm lucky I got all those lessons of love from you, because there are no regrets. Just heartache. We even made up for the days I didn't have the heart to wake you just to kiss you goodbye.

It's 2:50am as I type this. I can't sleep. It happens a lot. I was so spoilt. I could not fall asleep unless you held me close. You'd fall asleep holding on to me. I miss all of that. The cuddling and the deep sleep I experienced while in your loving arms. What am I gonna do without you Les? What am I supposed to do? I'd do anything for one more kiss. I wish you didn't leave so soon.

Reflections

Pic taken in May 2016 on holiday with our Jack Russels; Bruno and Rihanna. We were on a 5km hiking trail in Magalies. 

There's always something new to look back on. The nine years we spent together was our "forever". I documented most of it almost as if someone whispered to me that today I'd be here by myself. Baby, I miss you every day. Sometimes I wish there were telephone lines where you are. I loved checking up on you throughout the day. I have no one to share juicy gossip with. Our private jokes and nicknames we gave people are not as funny without you on the other side of the line. I miss your calls. Especially when you wanted to share a funny story. You'd annoy me and laugh for a good three minutes before you could share. I held onto the phone and anxiously wait for you to make me laugh. I miss the emails with subjects like "Babe what do you think?" or "Read this please love". All of these things showed me exactly where I belonged. I think I subconsciously walked with spunk and a smile because I had you. You made me feel Good about myself. You exorcised my insecurities. Just by loving me even on my worst days. My dark days never lasted.

"When you're sad, I'm also sad". "Don't think too much". "Come on, smile". After a while when you said any of these words, I knew exactly what you were doing. I always obliged.

And then there would be the tickling, literally And physically forcing me to let go of anger. There was a day I actually wanted to count how many times we kiss each day. We could not get our hands off each other. Up until your last day on earth. Kiss and hug. Kiss and hug. Sometimes just hold each other's hands so tight without saying a word. The cuddles. The love. The madness.

I start another day without you. I have so much gratitude in my heart. My sadness is slowly converting itself to something that will immortalise you in my mind, my heart and soul. I am thankful for the love you brought. It's left a light that will help me through each day. When I cry, don't think I'm sad. I think I'll still tear up ten years from today if I'm still this side. It's difficult to think about you without being emotional. I love you, you know? I love you.

My Heiligenstadt Testament

The Heiligenstadt Testament is a letter Ludwig van Beethoven wrote to his brothers when his health began to deteriorate. I could not find a better analogy of the way I feel today. You knew my love for classical music and it's something you embraced. Beethoven no longer wanted to be in denial. He perhaps thought this was going to help him deal with his new normal. He didn't realise he wasn't slightly losing his hearing, but he'd be completely deaf. But you know what my love? He still managed to compose music that we still play decades later.

Today, I feel like I am writing my own Heiligenstadt Testament because of the aches in my heart and soul. The transition from being married to you and now having to mourn your death has put me through a phase of severe emotional dis-ease. Everything I walk into reminds me of the change and the new life I have to embark on.

Like Beethoven, I am losing all my senses. I can't hear music the way I used to. When I hear your favourite track, I sob. I wipe the tears and carry on. I carry on even though I know I will hit another snag and another one.

The bright side to my testament perhaps is that I am making peace with this reality. I acknowledge it's not just change, but a completely new life. I accept it, mainly because I have no other option. Today we heard of another colleague who's battling with cancer. Chances of survival are so slim. It made me sad. Sad that a young, vibrant human being would die.

Life will be cut short just like yours. Yours was even more traumatic because no one saw it coming. It's then I told a colleague and friend of mine that I'd swap places with anyone with a terminal disease. When I lost you, I asked myself what's the worst that could ever happen to me. I am already living my worst nightmare. I have lost my sight, my hearing and ability to do the things I did when I knew I'd end up in your arms. This is not self-pity but a mere acknowledgement of the dearth or lack of appetite for a new life. Fear of the unknown. That's my testament.

Simple Gifts

You know, the simple gifts are the ones we treasure the most once they disappear. It's also the simple things that trigger sadness and a sense of loss. When I went to the bathroom to wash my face this morning, I noticed the missing toothbrush. Yours. Tears and a smile met each other half way on my face. The consolation was your T-Shirt. The one I am wearing now. Thinking about you makes me sad and recently also very happy. The simple gifts you presented every single day bring me emotions I have never experienced before. I resort to just crying sometimes because I never know what to do with the weird and sometimes wonderful feelings I get from just reflecting on my life with you. And trying to imagine more days without you. It's a tough journey.
I prepared another Sunday lunch without you today. I cried again, this time not from emotions but it was because I now have to peel onions. It was something you did for me every time we cooked together. I had a good chuckle because of the tears from peeling onion. These are simple gifts I am talking about. You protected me from even the smallest petty issues I had with things around the house.
I miss hearing your reassuring voice. Telling me you love me. The way you always said "Kea go rata" was like only you knew what it is that you loved in me.  It was with confidence and a mysterious demeanour. It was not like from anyone else. Even in death, I still have the scent and colour Of The love you showered me with. It's a stain I am not removing from my memory of you. Ke sa go rata.