The Lament

February 2017. We were about to go
from a party, in different cars. I have
So many pictures of you kissing me
when we take selfies. So many. And I
miss that. This is killing me inside

Yes, I know it's still early days. But I think I will take a while before I get used to making plans without you. As days go by, it becomes clesr that you are gone and not coming back. I was sonused to shopping for both of us. On Friday I was at the shops and I went past your favourite things. You are the only one who loved Milk Tart. I was sad that I couldn't buy it. You hated ice cream with nuts and I love it. We'd reach a compromise. But this time I didn't buy it.

Every event and almost everything I did, you were part of it. I couldn't call you to ask you what colour bedding I should get.
I have become a burden to myself. A prisoner of love perhaps? Lost love. Perhaps not in the spiritual sense. Because I love you and I know you love me too. But I'd rather have you here. I don't know what's going to happen to me baby. I am just not coping without you.

All I do is cry. Sometimes there's laughter with loved ones. But when everybody goes bck to their lives, I have to face that you are gone. You are my life. So what am I going to be without you? Survive? I can't.  I don't want to. I jusy want to be with you. I miss you Les. And I wish you'd just come back.

Doesn't matter how long, but how much!

You, Kamo and Palesa. Palesa is going to high school next year
and Kamo is also grown and keeps writing poems about 
Malom' Lesley. We miss you

I am always going through our photographs  and keeping your beautiful face alive in my mind. I realised you and I documented our life together from the very beginning. I came across photos of your first sleep over. Memories just started flooding into my head. I'm all smiles now thinking about those good days and the many good memories that came after that.

Many people say nine years together is a long time. I guess it is, but the many years we've been together were fuelled by the passion and effort we put into this thing. The reason for the nine years comes from how much we've invested to make it work. There were many opportunities to call it quits. But we always chose to see the possibility of another chance. Over and over again, we renewed the love and passion for each other. We just never looked back. I keep saying your forgiving heart and your love for me amaze me. 

You taught me to love, forgive and to embrace every challenge with the resilience to safeguard our journey. I saw a picture of you from 2009 with your wedding band on. It suddenly clicked how we didn't waste time choosing a "forever" arrangement. We didn't even know each other that well. Without pressure, we both kept going and fixed what broke along the way. 

Thank you for the laughter. Thank you for the challenging lessons. And thank you for loving me. I miss you. 

My refuge

One of our first pictures together.
This was taken on Charmaine & Thabiso's
Wedding in March of 2009. It was also the first time I
introduced you officially to my friends. It was the beginning of our forever. 

I want to say that music and books have been my refuge during this impossible time. I want to credit music because the words in the songs articulate my longing for you so perfectly. So perfect, I almost expect a response from you. I have been choosing poetry more to read, and it's the kind that also gives pesperctive on life and death.
But I have figured neither music nor literature is my refuge.

Solitude is my safe place. I have found that every time I am alone, (with you) it's the only time I'm able to feel what I need to feel. All my moments alone put me in touch with the reality of your absence in a more intimate way. Sometimes I can't handle it and that's when I cry. On my own, I just cry and cry. I cry myself to sleep hoping to wake up next to you or see you in my dreams. I somehow keep on raising my hopes and wake up disappointed at times. But that's the beauty of solitude. It's time to make sense of the things that don't even make sense.

Your passing will not make sense to me for many days to come. I have resolved to learn how I will carry the pain. There is nothing that can ever replace this void you left. When I'm alone I can't even answer my phone when friends call because I'd be crying. Sometimes I just answer and pretend I'd been sleeping.

Usually when I'm home alone, you'd be on the other end of the telephone line telling me where you are. I would not be so lonely because I'd be looking forward to seeing you back home. It's easy to say I will hold on to the memories. But It's not good enough. I have to settle for the memories, but it's still just not as good as having you here, holding me and sharing your dreams with me.

Today's note was just to tell you not to worry so much about me baby. Especially when I choose to be by myself. It's the time I use to take it all in. The love. The loss. The pain. The support. The emptiness. And the faith I have that some day we will be reunited when I cross over.

In the meantime I will do what the living do. And of course preserve your memory for the sake of your kids. All of them. They miss you so much. Morena still sleeps holding the funeral programme. Pictures of you are all over his room. Palesa and Kamo talk about you all the time. Theresho hasn't stopped crying. Our parents are still shocked.

We are all trying to find our feet so we can carry on. We are all doing it in different ways. I chose solitude because it helps deal with the outside world. I love and miss you.

From my mouth, to God's ears

Your coffin covered with a Pall,
which signifies Christ's triumph
over death. I love that you maintined
your beliefs and faith in the diversity
Of our time together. Rest in Peace my love

Whatever one's belive in God, I know we can agree that some lives are taken far too early and others far too late and sometimes with a lot of suffering.
I do believe in God. I have just been unable to pray or meditate ever since your passing. I sit in silence and rather talk to you hoping your hear how I long for you. I'd rather have you know my despair without you than direct prayers to God.
Your life was cut short far too early. And as a person who believes in God, I have questions. Questions I know may never be answered. All I can rely on now is fate to lead me into this new path. Now I know, not all new things are good. I never wanted a "new" life without you. I call it new because it's a mystery and I still need to get used to the rythm.

I am writing today just to say I wish I could have cut a deal with God. Maybe not to prolong my life or yours, but to have prepared me. So much was taken away from me when you died. It's simply because everything else I had was because you were around. I am yet to face God in prayer and say what's in my heart and on my mind.

Sometimes I am living like a person driving through red robots hoping a big truck will crash into me and end it all. But most times I sit in the comfort of love given to me by family and friends. Being without you will be new to me for a very long time.
For the first time I spoke about a cute guy I saw at the opera. He plays the cello. I've always giggled and spoke about my new found crush to the girls and some would say "Lesley is gonna kill you". They always said it knowing that you are the king of my heart. But I felt human again and shared news about a cute boy without feeling that I disrespect your memory. I'm not sure if I am able to say all these things because of God, because I haven't spoken to him. I carry so much anger because of your death. Not only because I want you here with me, but because you had so much more to give to this world. You had just succeeded in reaching some of the dreams we shared. We both saw the horizon of a good future and we were mapping our way there. I felt better getting lost with you on our way there.
You are probably  saying God and Badimo will see me through. But they tore us apart. I still need to find my strength and maybe understanding of what your death is supposed to mean. They spoke in a violent language I am yet to grasp. I'm angry. I mourn from a place of anger. You are always in my heart. I love you. 

Still waving goodbye

Earlier this year at Siki's birthday,
Where you saved the pap. That story was the
Highlight of the party. 

Every single day feels like I'm on a moving bus and you are standing behind it waving, but never disappearing. The bus keeps moving but I still see you waving in the distance. And I can't enjoy this new journey because I don't want to lose the last view I have of you. I'm not waving back because I want you here next to me.
It's hard to change plans when you've build your whole life around one person. I've lost zeal for life and I am becoming even more less inspired to write about how I long for you. All it does is create a gaze for those who wonder what I am going through. I'm failing to convince myself that writing is key in the healing process I must go through. I'm broken and most of time just want to come where you are.
Every morning, I wake up surprised that I am still alive and survived the pain. I cry myself to sleep every day. That proverbial bus just keeps moving and I see you still waving and not trying to catch up so you can be with me.
I miss you so much.

My submission to grief

There is no right or wrong way to mourn. But I have realised that grief will make you almost schizophrenic. Especially when you are mostly surrounded by love and genuine people who want to see through your pain. Once you are in solitude, even after a spectacular day, grief strikes and sometimes paralyses you like you are hearing for the first time that your beloved is gone.

This was taken in May 2016, at a traditional ceremony in Winterveldt, Even
during serious moment, we found time to play. I can't remember who we were
pretending to be in this picture. He loved and embrace my calling as Sangoma

I don't even try to be bold or strong during this time. I think that trying is even a set back. It's harder for me because I prefer being in control or moving away from things I cannot get a hold of. Lesley would always ask me to let go every time I wanted to get to the bottom of anything that unsettles me. When I don't win, he'd be there. Not to say "I told you to let go" - but to comfort and console me. He was a kind man, soft-spoken and often walked away from drama. I'd often fight his battles. Even the ones he chose to ignore. It's a weakness I have, but it's a weakness that made us compliment each other. 

He was the only one I didn't fight or use force to express my frustration. Over time I learnt to be graceful especially when dealing with him. I could not believe how much I love that man. He got me to be submissive. Something I deliberately refused to do because of the many battles I've had to fight as a gay man in a hetero-normative world. The only space I was submissive was when he was around. And I learned that from him. He'd never try to win an argument. In the middle of my rage he'd kiss me and say good night, got to sleep. And he'd still want to hold me when I come to bed. It happened so many times I had to question myself and the way I do things. It almost felt like I was not loving him back enough. I know he didn't see it that way, but I resolved to just be gentle with him. I think that is what made us sail through even the most difficult times of our relationship. We forgave each other easily and used most of our time together bringing out the best in each other.

So my submission to grief is not a surprise. I am mourning the loss of a part of me. I am making peace with not being able to hear him call me "Mogatsake". Grief will make you look like a fool. One moment you are smiling, laughing and chatting away with friends. Next moment you are fighting back tears.   

It's called life

If there was a pill I could take to take away the pain and maybe help me forget that I will never see you again, I don't think I would take it. Especially after yesterday. I was part of a team that produced one of the most memorable moments on South African TV. It's the kind of stuff that you always encouraged me to do. I felt and acknowledged your spirit throughout the production.
Though I was yearning for a phone call conversation to keep you posted or even your presence as you always supported me in that way - I remembered something.

I told my friend Benji Hanson that when I
took a look at this picture, I saw why Lesley
loved me. He'd always say it, but I chose
not to see it then. But now I do. Pic taken
ahead of an interview with Pretty Yende.
12-08-2017

"Our best artists are informed by their pain. Our heroes are born out of adversity". The yearning and pain of not being able to reach out to you in the way I have in the many years we have been together, really mad me sad. But for your sake and mine I remembered how you wanted me to be happy. And so I used that quote to help me continue living and doing what I know would just make you proud. You left me on this side of the world and I continue to feel everything including the sense of loss. I suppose we are indeed the sum of our experiences. All of them. Not just the good or the bad, but all of them. Yesterday was just good. What's missing is a picture of you and me embracing one another after a successful day. I love and miss you.

I am still shocked, grief-stricken and sometimes inconsolable when I think about your sudden death. But instead of wishing for a pill that would make all of this go away, I would rather be like the friend of Arthur Hallam, the great poet. Alfred Tennyson, also a poet, immortalised his friend in a verse and gave us one of the greatest poems in the English language. In Memoriam A. H. H.
So I am also choosing to keep you alive in my heart and carry you everywhere I go. I knew love because of you. I am so fortunate to have come across this poem. It's the kind of consolation I was not expecting.

I am grateful to our friend Angelo Fick, who got me books to read to pull me through this time. I found this poem once again after many years.

Angelo has also been a pillar of strength from the beginning of this tragic story. He was the one who broke the news of your death to me. Every day I pray for him because this couldn't have been easy. We had just spoken on the phone with him that same week. Few days later you are gone. The last thing you got from him was a sandwich he sent after my late lunch with him. I still remember how you enjoyed it and kissed me to say thanks to Angelo. It was the same week building up to a day that would change our lives forever.

Our memories. Our experiences. That's who we are. And you were a great part of mine. Engraved in my heart forever Les.