Letting go...

I find myself in a state of mind that refuses to be alone. Everything is difficult to do because it was always with Lesley.  Our relationship had old roots that were tangled together. It is not necesarilly because of how long we have been together, but it had more to do with how much of each other we gave to one another. It was a good feeling every single day. Like I always say, even on those bad days. The love was so strong we forgot we were not guaranteed more days together. And I was simply not ready to let go of all those tangible things. I looked forward to preparing a good meal, help him untie his shoe laces and laugh about the muscle pull he had during foreplay. I was not ready to let go of all that.
On all my slow days, when I want to read and write, I am forced to walk through this emotional roller coaster. The only way to avoid it, is to always have people around - which is impossible and probably not a good thing.
But now I am more angry and sad because I don't know what to do with all these habits of taking care of him.  I don't know how to convert that energy into something that helps me. I found pleasure and fulfilment in taking care of my husband. I was always in a hurry to be home with him. Now when I open the door and there is no sign of him, my heart still sinks. I don't want to be alone. I also don't know if I would be happy with anyone else that's not you. People are weird and bring all sorts baggage. We had our own and it had started to be much lighter over almost a decade we lived together. I love and miss you. Letting you go is proving to be a mess.

Garden with no flowers

I was sharing my thoughts with someone close to me the other day. I had to use a disclaimer before I could share them. I had to because this is someone I spend most of my time with. I did not want him to feel like his company is not appreciated. But I cannot help but feel that despite the world having a population of more than 7 Billion people, one can experience loneliness that just pierces the heart and isolate you completely. That is how I sometimes feel about losing you. Not fitting anywhere with anyone.
Somebody else joked that I may be 'damaged goods' and I could never be with anyone else because I still long for you and wired in a way only you knew how to love me. Well, I am not open to that discussion. But I am not going to carry a burden of fitting the image of who people expect me to be at this time. The strength I have will determine who I am at whatever time.
The soil is fertile but there is no harvest this year. That is the analogy for my state of mind. The July winds blew my seeds away. But the soil remains fertile. That's why I titled this post a garden without flowers.

I used to feel a sense of betrayal when I felt I am having a good time. I don't anymore my love. Grief can be morbid and you are too precious to me and I cannot use grief to substitute you. I want to die a happy man. Just like you. I want to cross over to you with no regrets of not living enough. The more I stop, the more I am trapped in this pit of sorrow. I let the moments come. When I feel them coming, I submit all the time. The same goes for when I feel I need to carry on. I soldier on.
There is no way of getting you back. I am making peace with that. Grieving is still a process I will negotiate with life for as long as it lasts. I fear it might outlive me. If not, perhaps some day when I heal, it won't just be your death I think about, but I will celebrate your life too.
Today I am writing to say healing in loneliness is tough. The garden without flowers must be attended to. And I know wherever you are, you'd want me to put it to good use. The impulse has always been to withdraw from people in these times. I cursed people for moving on with their lives while mine fell apart. That experiment did not work. It was more of a path I had to pass through to learn that a smile is not betrayal to your memory. I love you Les. Even beyond this life, I always love you. I know you know everything else I have not said here. Cause you know me so well. That's another reason to this post, to omit some things so I can imagine your naughty smile. Questioning me on things you already know. I know you. Hahaha. I love you.

I want to survive

I want to survive the heartbreak and the deep pain without compromising your memory. Sometimes anger takes over and leads me to temporary solutions to the frustration of not having you around. Your death called for a complete change of routine. Even food taste different Les! I do things differently so I am not reminded that you are gone. It's not always possible. But I want to experience the grieving from a position where I can negotiate my own survival. I would choose death for myself if I knew for sure it would take me to where you are. But I am not brave enough and so I choose to survive this world and continue celebrating our time together. I will face death the day it approaches. I choose to survive people's misinterpretation of how I am going about my grief and mourning. I welcome it. I have made myself vulnerable to all of it because I have publicly declared my pain the same way I publicly celebrated our love and life together. But all of this still remains between you and me. The promise to be together till death tear us apart. It happened. Sooner than expected. So much had to change. So much had to disappear. So it was clear that I would have to swim against a tide of hostility. Hostility from life itself. I want to survive and now I am openimg doors I have never even looked at. It makes me sad. But I want to survive and so my emotions cannot be a barrier between the empty life and my survival. I love you.

Birthday wishes from you to me

I already want to say thank you for what I know would be a special day. I have celebrated eight of my birthdays with you.You have always made sure they are days to remember. You were such a good person I cannot believe I am the one with a life longer than yours. This place needs more people like you. It still hurts very deeply. But in all this hurt and confusion, I still feel favour from the gods and God himself. It is through our friends and family.

They were a safety net I never thought I had. I was ready to fall hard and never stand up. But they fuel all the strength I have. I am able to wake up, stand up and live a bit. And I want to give them credit for most of it.






I will go through tomorrow with a lot of tears no doubt. It's almost impossible to celebrate life when such a big part of me is no more.

Every single day I mumble and chant "God forgive me for my sins". You death feels like God's wrath.  What else could this be? Did he know from the day I was born that I would be in this mess? Giving you to me for eight years, uproot you and expect me to cope? Yes, I am whining and going on about things I cannot change. But as Mama would say, "Molomo o diretswe go bala-bala". So ntlogele ke bala-bale ke kgotsofatse pelo ya ka. Hahaha. I miss you.

The point of this post however, is to thank you in advance for tomorrow. I can only imagine how magical it would be if you were here. We had all plans in place for the day, but fate had other ideas. I don't want to promise thatI will go out there and enjoy my day. I never imagined I'd be writing blog post and be vulnerable to the world because you died. So, tomorrow will be very difficult because I already feel it now. I will use what's left of my strength to actually celebrate you and pay homage to the man who loved me until his last breath. I am so fortunate because you knew how much I appreciate everything you did for me. There are so many things I can single out to thank you for, but the list would be too long. But I am very much grateful for collaborating with me in giving dignity to Black Gay Love. With all our flaws, we were accidental activists and if it wasn't for you, I don't where I would be. The few people we inspired as a coupled accomplished our mission. We know the miracle in reaching even to one person. We both know how that changes society.

You were my gravity and the voice for reason. I learned all those lesson so quickly as if I knew you were not here for long. Now I live by those rules and staying true to myself. Thank you for all of that. I celebrate you with tears in my eyes. Tears of joy and tears of sorrow. I will continue to celebrate you and thanks for the birthday wishes.

This is so sore! I love you.

Hurry up and go!

Is crying our default reaction to pain? I mean, I am so tired of it, I want to feel something else. I side-eye grief and ask, "Is this all you are going to do to me? Make me curl up and cry every time I think about him?".
It happens a lot when I am alone. It's like grief is my-lady-in-waiting. Not much of a servant though, because it pretty much dictates what I should feel. It's all tears. Even when there's a smile or a chuckle when I think of my husband, I always tear up. Is there anything else beyond tears? Based on conversations I have had with people who have been through this path, it is still early days. I scoff and sigh when I think about that. I hate being in any sort of vicious cycle. Solitude no longer means time for reflection and the renewal of what's good in me. I don't even know if I can call my moments alone solitude. There is just something that induces tears. Being in the same situation for long is against every fibre of my being. But grief is something new to me. A whole new experience and so every time I resist what it dictates, I end up deep in its captivity. There are no short cuts. But I am so stubborn I still resist going to places it wants me to go to. It's too dark. It's too unfamiliar.
I am a functioning, permanently brokenhearted man. That's why I sometimes refuse to go through all these things that are said to be part of the journey. I am in love with my smile more these days because it's a veil that hides the turmoil. The smile almost transports me to where I used to be when Lesley was still here. He was the reason for many of the times I would be smiling.
Dear grief, I want to say hurry up and go. But reality is, people who love deeply will also mourn very deeply. I understand why you are here. But I don't have to be nice to you all the time.
I miss my husband. I don't do well when I am alone either. I do it more now because I want it to be a feeling I no longer think about. Loneliness. Me? It's still unbelievable. Did I think we'd live forever? No. But I certainly didn't expect him to leave so soon. Sigh. Let me get up. Go out and smile.

The Distraction

Le Panstula la ka. Picture taken in October 2012 Johannesburg Gay Pride. 

It's only when I am alone that I realise I have hardly scratched the surface when it comes to coming to terms with being alone and lonely. Everything else that I have been up to is like a big noise that distracts me from the silence of your absence. The loud laughs over good food and drinks with friends. The long telephone conversations and lately my gym sessions are part of that big noise that help me only experience the void you left for a short time. But it is not sustainable. I also don't think it's healthy to be shielded from what I am supposed to go through. It sure does feel like I am walking through the valley of the shadow of death.

I am almost used to the roller coast ride of emotions, but I am blocking out how people think I should deal with this transition. Although I do everything I can to avoid dealing with my grief in ways that I will regret, because my aim is to preserve your memory. There's already been conversations about a new relationship. There's been jokes about it too. But at the end of all these distractions I am reconciled with my longing for you. Sometimes I deliberately say no to friends when they want to go out. Sometimes I'd rather be here alone and get to know this pain better. Someone may argue that secluding myself could be a sign of depression. Duh!! Of course I am depressed. I am also aware of the state I am in. I want to feel all its corners. The distractions are good. But they can never dillute or ease the piercing pain. Time will eventually desensitise me, make me numb and eventually get me to a point I don't dissolve when I think about you.
I love LOVE and I miss Love. The things I could only share with you. The things that only you could give to me. The jokes and discussions about a new lover freak me out so much. I am not really concerned about what people think. But I think I am my own worst nightmare. When I met you, I had told you and the universe that I could never love anyone for the rest of my life. It made you upset. But I stopped saying it after we got married. I am still unable to say what changed. But now you are gone. Anyone that suggests a topic around love and being in love, I just say "People die". Yes, we are left behind in this world and people perceive it as opportunity to indulge "before it is too late". I had my forever with you baby. I am not in the mood for love that is not with you. How long am I going to hold on to you? I don't know. I am only flesh and blood. So I am living my truth right now. It may change over time. But at least it would be on my terms and my time. Right now I want to be the psychopath that won't let go of "the dead husband" without any distraction.
Ndi danile Lesley. Ndibuhlungu baby.

Embracing my widowed heart

The worst has happened. I lost the love of my life. I'm already living my worst nightmare. But grief is not like a course you need to finish in order to qualify for some certificate of life. I brace myself for a life long journey with extra strength to carry this painful reality. Even when we learn to smile and laugh again, we carry this sense of loss. At some point one feels like there is a need to be integrated back into one's community of friends. Talk and laugh about everything without the burden of trying to be sensitive around me. I had to find myself all over again after losing my husband. Live with the fact that I am widowed. The 'till death do us part' came a bit soon for us. But I go back into life with no fear or fragility. The worst has already happened. I lost the man I love.  And now I have to go and start 'living' without him. There's absolutely no rush back into this life. But I know I can't stay in the dark hole forever. I want to say Les wouldn't want that, but I won't use that old tired line. If I had to wait for who knows what, I'd never be able to preserve his memory. Immortalise the man who showed me love in a way I will never experience with anyone. Every journey has its pit stops. Mine will be full of tears and aches in my heart. I will still long for you for many years to come. But I am embracing all this and I will do it for as long I live. Till we meet again. I love you.

A new place

This was my first live broadcast since your passing. It became clear to me that the gods conspired to have me cover  Mozart's Requiem. A Requiem is mass for the dead, which was exactly what we did for you when you left. It was the first live I did without getting a text message from you. My number one fan. I miss you. 

Yesterday I saw old friends from my church youth choir days. It was mini reunion of old friends and so there was so much laughter and reminiscing about the good days we had together. We made fun of each other and our adult problems. We are among the lucky young South Africans employed, but we all laughed about how our salaries disappear within days after getting paid. Everyone had a story of how they survive each week.
We also laughed about me being a widow(er). I joked and said it was okay for everyone to hug and kiss me because I had already gone through all cleansing rituals which people like me go through. It's not as funny in English, but I made fun of everyone's money problems and told them I was still cashing in on insurances and shopping till I drop. It's not true, but it is the perception. It was a moment of reflection on serious issues with humour. We remembered how we could not wait to be adults and make our own rules. Everyone wished they had the rewind button taking us back to being carefree and younger.
Who would have thought that at 34, I'd have friends coming to my house to offer me condolences for the loss of my husband? Who thought I'd be here listening to the sound of my lover's silence? Is it part of growing up? I find myself in places that I drove past as I was growing up. I remember hearing someone's brother had passed away. Les and I attended funerals of close friends and relatives. We cried and consoled each other. We offered love and support for the bereaved families. We spoke about our own deaths like it was in our hands. We planned it for later, but today I find myself in a place I never imagined. That's what loss does to you. It takes you to places you saw from a distance. Places you don't spend your time thinking about.
Some of the conversations with old friends were about how long it takes before people start dating after loss. It hit me then that I was in that place I never thought of because Les and I were in a 'you are stuck with me' situation. It dawned on me that there is a future beyond grieving. We made all sorts of jokes about it, but on my way home, I was sad that some day I may have to turn a page and start over again. I want to pretend this future does not exist and hold on to mourning the love of my life. Yes, it's only been three months, but there is no gatekeeper to our thoughts and the conversations we can have about death and life after death. But all this talk collides with my deep sadness of losing the one I thought I was going to make things work with. We had already been through the worst, so I am sure we were going to make it work. But now I am stuck here in a place I never imagined.
This period also comes with people who will police how you mourn. It comes with people commenting on how often you go out and how long you should wait before you can do this and that. Lesley must be having a good laugh watching me deal with all this crap.
I am grateful for yesterday's meeting with old friends. It was the alarm clock set for me to realise that I was now in a new place. A place without my love. I will remember my arrival to this place as the space where I broke down a lot. I arrived at this place the day my Lesley died. It just took a few kak funny, insensitive jokes from old friends to make me realise where I am. There is no rush for me to be ready for this new place. The place can wait for me so I can create a world that I can live in. A space that will only have his memory because I intend to bring him along. Rest in Peace my baby.

When I didn't kiss you goodbye

When I didn't kiss you goodbye, it wouldn't be because I'm mad at you. It was always because you'd be sleeping so peacefully when I'm getting ready for my early morning shift. As soon as you woke up, I'd get a call or text message complaining why I didn't say goodbye. This is one of the pictures I presented to you last year. Trying to explain how I could not bring myself to ruining your beauty sleep. You'd still not appreciate that I left without saying goodbye. You were so strict with that tradition. You lived up to it every time. Angry or not, you kissed me hello and goodbye. I knew I had done something wrong if the kiss was on the cheek or on my forehead. That's also how I knew you had a bad day. There were signs in the kisses. I miss them. I remember on your last day on earth, you kept coming to our bedroom just to kiss me. Refusing to let me out of bed. I didn't know I had just spent my last night with you. I'm lucky I got all those lessons of love from you, because there are no regrets. Just heartache. We even made up for the days I didn't have the heart to wake you just to kiss you goodbye.

It's 2:50am as I type this. I can't sleep. It happens a lot. I was so spoilt. I could not fall asleep unless you held me close. You'd fall asleep holding on to me. I miss all of that. The cuddling and the deep sleep I experienced while in your loving arms. What am I gonna do without you Les? What am I supposed to do? I'd do anything for one more kiss. I wish you didn't leave so soon.