Untitled: When you don't know what to feel

This is a pic from May 2017. After a weekend together. He was about to go back to Rustenberg where he had been working on week days. The weeks were long and lonely without him. And so the goodbyes where somber. 

I still use words like "ours" "us" and "we". In the last weeks of your life, we were sending each other photographs of property we wanted to buy. Our whatsapp conversations would send us deep into the fantasy we both knew we could achieve. It was never unrealistic with us.

It's difficult to reboot my system and suddenly become one, when you were my whole life. My grief and pain will probably exhaust many people who will hear me still talk about you years from now.

But that's the thing about you and me, we were the only people that experienced the depth of each other's love. So it's natural that I'd be the only one that feels this deep pain and sense of loss because of your death.

Every time you'd tell about a near-death experience you had on the road, I'd say, "I'll die if anything happens to you". You'd joke about how I would be shopping all week from cashing in on all those life insurances. We joked and laughed about it. But we were in each other's arms and still made plans together. We thought we were being human and making ourselves conscious that death is a reality and that would be exactly where we would end up.

Today I am torn apart. I'm a mess because I still want "us" "we" and everything that's "ours". But where will I find them? In memories? Apparently that's what I have to settle for. This is not the "till death do us apart" we had in mind. I didn't accept it. I'm still battling with making peace with this new dark path. I love you so much.