Reflections

Pic taken in May 2016 on holiday with our Jack Russels; Bruno and Rihanna. We were on a 5km hiking trail in Magalies. 

There's always something new to look back on. The nine years we spent together was our "forever". I documented most of it almost as if someone whispered to me that today I'd be here by myself. Baby, I miss you every day. Sometimes I wish there were telephone lines where you are. I loved checking up on you throughout the day. I have no one to share juicy gossip with. Our private jokes and nicknames we gave people are not as funny without you on the other side of the line. I miss your calls. Especially when you wanted to share a funny story. You'd annoy me and laugh for a good three minutes before you could share. I held onto the phone and anxiously wait for you to make me laugh. I miss the emails with subjects like "Babe what do you think?" or "Read this please love". All of these things showed me exactly where I belonged. I think I subconsciously walked with spunk and a smile because I had you. You made me feel Good about myself. You exorcised my insecurities. Just by loving me even on my worst days. My dark days never lasted.

"When you're sad, I'm also sad". "Don't think too much". "Come on, smile". After a while when you said any of these words, I knew exactly what you were doing. I always obliged.

And then there would be the tickling, literally And physically forcing me to let go of anger. There was a day I actually wanted to count how many times we kiss each day. We could not get our hands off each other. Up until your last day on earth. Kiss and hug. Kiss and hug. Sometimes just hold each other's hands so tight without saying a word. The cuddles. The love. The madness.

I start another day without you. I have so much gratitude in my heart. My sadness is slowly converting itself to something that will immortalise you in my mind, my heart and soul. I am thankful for the love you brought. It's left a light that will help me through each day. When I cry, don't think I'm sad. I think I'll still tear up ten years from today if I'm still this side. It's difficult to think about you without being emotional. I love you, you know? I love you.

My Heiligenstadt Testament

The Heiligenstadt Testament is a letter Ludwig van Beethoven wrote to his brothers when his health began to deteriorate. I could not find a better analogy of the way I feel today. You knew my love for classical music and it's something you embraced. Beethoven no longer wanted to be in denial. He perhaps thought this was going to help him deal with his new normal. He didn't realise he wasn't slightly losing his hearing, but he'd be completely deaf. But you know what my love? He still managed to compose music that we still play decades later.

Today, I feel like I am writing my own Heiligenstadt Testament because of the aches in my heart and soul. The transition from being married to you and now having to mourn your death has put me through a phase of severe emotional dis-ease. Everything I walk into reminds me of the change and the new life I have to embark on.

Like Beethoven, I am losing all my senses. I can't hear music the way I used to. When I hear your favourite track, I sob. I wipe the tears and carry on. I carry on even though I know I will hit another snag and another one.

The bright side to my testament perhaps is that I am making peace with this reality. I acknowledge it's not just change, but a completely new life. I accept it, mainly because I have no other option. Today we heard of another colleague who's battling with cancer. Chances of survival are so slim. It made me sad. Sad that a young, vibrant human being would die.

Life will be cut short just like yours. Yours was even more traumatic because no one saw it coming. It's then I told a colleague and friend of mine that I'd swap places with anyone with a terminal disease. When I lost you, I asked myself what's the worst that could ever happen to me. I am already living my worst nightmare. I have lost my sight, my hearing and ability to do the things I did when I knew I'd end up in your arms. This is not self-pity but a mere acknowledgement of the dearth or lack of appetite for a new life. Fear of the unknown. That's my testament.

Simple Gifts

You know, the simple gifts are the ones we treasure the most once they disappear. It's also the simple things that trigger sadness and a sense of loss. When I went to the bathroom to wash my face this morning, I noticed the missing toothbrush. Yours. Tears and a smile met each other half way on my face. The consolation was your T-Shirt. The one I am wearing now. Thinking about you makes me sad and recently also very happy. The simple gifts you presented every single day bring me emotions I have never experienced before. I resort to just crying sometimes because I never know what to do with the weird and sometimes wonderful feelings I get from just reflecting on my life with you. And trying to imagine more days without you. It's a tough journey.
I prepared another Sunday lunch without you today. I cried again, this time not from emotions but it was because I now have to peel onions. It was something you did for me every time we cooked together. I had a good chuckle because of the tears from peeling onion. These are simple gifts I am talking about. You protected me from even the smallest petty issues I had with things around the house.
I miss hearing your reassuring voice. Telling me you love me. The way you always said "Kea go rata" was like only you knew what it is that you loved in me.  It was with confidence and a mysterious demeanour. It was not like from anyone else. Even in death, I still have the scent and colour Of The love you showered me with. It's a stain I am not removing from my memory of you. Ke sa go rata.

Look what I found

I didn't know this would be the last picture of you taken by me.
Seven days before you died. 01-08-2018

It was early hours on Saturday the 1st of July 2017 when woke up worried about your body temperature. "I don't feel so good love. Ke tshwere ke dikodu". I gave you no choice and we ended up at the emergency room to get you some help. I got impatient waiting for more than half an hour not knowing your condition. I was anxious and I inquired what was going on. I was told to be patient and wait. I was eventually allowed into you cubicle, you laughed at me for being hysterical. I kissed you like someone relieved to see you alive not knowing seven days later I'd be trying to make sense of life without you.



Two drips later, we were chatting, laughing and of course taking pictures. I took several of just you and this is the only one I ended up keeping. You continued with your plans to go to Limpopo to see family because you felt better. I remember we swapped cars because you wanted to take your sisters with you. And I was on the other hand going to work that same day. We both complained about not spending enough time together especially on weekends. We made a pact that we'd fix that situation.

I remember the many phone calls chats we had that day. I spoke to everyone you were with and promised the next trip I'd be coming with you. You were happy and in good spirits. It was like the emergency room episode never happened. I looked forward to coming back to you and that was how it was every single day. We were reunited and joked about how our week was going to be alcohol-free because you were on antibiotics and I was on flu medication. We were meant to have champagne on the day you died to break the "fast". But you didn't make it back home. We swapped back cars the day you died. I keep thinking maybe if you were still using my car, you would have had a chance of survival. It just does not stop. The what ifs. It's part of this painful experience. I can't reverse the time and I will never kiss those beautiful lips or see that smile again. To be honest, I don't even know where I get the strength to carry all of this. I don't even know if it's strength or just a phase before I completely fall apart. Mogatsake, I love and miss you.

The Guilt

Since you've been gone, I've been feeling guilty after every good time I have with people. Everyone is trying to do the impossible and I appreciate it. It really gets me through to the next day. Knowing people care and are not impatient with me. Sometimes I don't even want to eat thinking to about where you are and if you're at peace. After every good laugh with friends, my grin fades away so quickly when I am alone thinking about you.

I can't even flirt with boys anymore or even make straight guys uncomfortable by calling them "babe" or "honey". All the things that made you say "You're crazy, but I love you". I lost myself when I lost you. I'm not in a hurry to anything. I think I'm slowly discovering this new place and it's pace. I'm still discovering the things that trigger the reality that you will never come back. It's almost three months, but everything is still pretty much new to me. I don't know how to be someone else. But I don't remember being without you, so everything I am for the past nine years has everything to do with you. So my baby, I do feel guilty when I have fun without you. I know it's good for me. But it feels like I'm leaving you behind. Is this what's called moving on? It scares the shit out of me. 

I know you'd want me to be happy. And this I know because you said it to me many times. I also knew through everything you've done for me. Your everyday commitment to our love is enough testimony to know that you'd want me to be happy. I love and miss you. 

We say that the hour of death cannot be forecast. But when we say this, we imagine that the hour is placed in an obscure and distant future. 

It never occurs to us that it has any connection with the day already begun, or that death could arrive this same afternoon - this afternoon which is so certain, and which has every hour filled in advance. - Tod Waggner

Temporary solutions

I've become schizophrenic. One moment I'm upbeat and the next I'm completely broken. I'm already looking in the wrong places to fill the void. I'm starting to escape these difficult moments. Temporary solutions.

Either way, I end up in the same place if not worse. Every day I stumble on something that reminds me what a lovely man you were. Great and small pieces of evidence that says, "Matuba you were loved". Just the other I wrote that I was beginning to accept God's will. It's a painful experience. 

Fear, anger and sorrow reign in my life. We made all those big decisions together. We debated some of them for days. I looked forward to rehashing our whatsapp conversations in the evening. I laugh about how I used to pretend not to be on my phone when you walk into the bedroom. You used to be grumpy about my addiction to my phone. "E le gore o busy le mang cause nna ke teng". It was cute when you wanted to macho man. I enjoyed submitting to your attention-seeking rants. They were probably not a good way to know that I wasn't giving the attention you wanted. But it was our own tango dance. We knew the moves to our routine, habits and everything that made us who we are. It's  still feels like a dream! I find myself crying in the middle of a traffic jam. Tears just rolling down my face. Every time when I entertain the fact that you're gone forever. I just break down. That's why I've beem running away from reality in recent days. Finding distraction and hoping I won't have enough time to be swallowed by this beast. Grief. Temporary solutions. I take advantage of them whenever I can find one. But it's just a waste of time. I'm so sad baby. I'm just so sad nothing makes sense. 

Throw Back Thursday

I chose the picture you took and threatened to turn it into a meme. I hated the pic. In fact I still do. You complained about how I wasn't giving you attention. I was busy on my phone. Probably in a work WhatsApp group or something. I just remember how I got to make peace with the existence of this picture. I have only been able find strength to go through your phone now and your Drop Box. All the things you loved and wanted to keep.
There are still people who only found out recently that you are no more. But the reason I am writing this post is because I came across this picture in your phone and remembered your laugh and the fun you had when you were threatening to post it. I complained about looking fat. And your smile faded immediately and gave me a lecture about how I should stop talking like that. You knew how to exorcise my insecurity demons. You knew them so well. You loved me. You showed it every single day. Even during bad times.
Last night I went out to watch a movie with Gontse. We had dinner afterwards and all I talked about was you. Without crying I told him all about you.  He never really knew you, but he was touched by your passing. Many people wish they could take away this pain from me. All I can do now is just relive the memories and try feel good about them while I make peace with not being able to have more with you. I love you.

William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

“When he shall die,
Take him and cut him out in little stars,
And he will make the face of heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night
And pay no worship to the garish sun.”

Story behind your violent death

Yesterday I cried, until I just could not cry anymore. Some days I just don't cry at all. I think about you and just feel good that we had the time to create some great memories. I am slowly walking towards acceptance of God's deliberate plans. There are so many moments that have made me realise that it had to be you that left and not me. The day I was told you were gone, I wanted to trade places with you. God knows, weeks after your funeral, I had suicidal thoughts and just wanted to die. I still don't know how to live without you.

This is one of the moments I will cherish forever. It's the day
you unexpectedly came to my office to bring me flowers and the
Thomas Sankara book I have been threatening to buy for many weeks.
This picture was taken by friend and colleague Mpho Majoro. 

But there are challenges I face dealing with your passing. I would not want you to go through all of that trauma. Look, I'd prefer being with you here dealing with life's challenges like we always did. We conquered. You were called before me and after everything I've gone through, I am beginning to see why things happened the way they did. You are in a better place my love. I will probably never stop longing for you. I also still believe the pain of losing you will outlive me. I am being shown every day through good and bad experiences, why it had to be you and not me.

I was bitter and angry at God. I still am to a certain extent. Especially about how you died. It was a violent death. You were a beautiful kind man. You were loving and always put others first. When I saw the wreckage of the car, I was so hurt. I am still hurting thinking about it. The voice of my brother still echoes. Telling me I should not go see your body. He was the first one to arrive at the scene of the accident. He is still trying to cope with the image of your lifeless, battered body. I pray that you didn't feel any pain. I try not think about it. But it is what upsets me most about your passing. 

I was comforted by Prof Patrick Lumumba last week when he paid homage to a South African political activist and a champion of the anti-apartheid movement, Onkgopotse Tiro. He was killed by a parcel bomb from the apartheid police. He was young and handsome just like you. Prof. Lumumba gave me another perspective that helps me recover from this tragedy. He spoke about many great people who did great things, but still died horrific deaths. "Tiro died a good death. You died the death of brave men. Those God loves die violently," he said. He mentioned Christ, Ghandi and Sankara as some of the great people who died violently. I also thought of Ruth First and some of the people you and I knew. You were a great person and you are missed so much. Rest in Peace. Don't stop coming through dreams. 

Take me to my love

I now know how it feels to have nothing to lose. I mean, I have already lost you. What's the worst that can happen now? It's easy to be faithless when dreams are crushed. People have been asking me if I could make sense of death easier because of I am Sangoma. Some people want me to embrace the fact that you have now crossed over to the afterlife. I am still not able to make peace with your death. The deep pain I am feeling now won't let me let go and believe that you are dead. Dead!

I don't want to be reasonable or practical. All I want now is you. Your smile, your laugh. Your  presence Lesley. I want to hold you again. 

I wish there was something I could do to stop time from moving. Just so I could stop counting the the days you've been gone! I try speak to God. Our creator. I can't ask him to bring you back. But I also don't know how to be without you. I can't stop my tears as I type this. I'm hurting so much. It's also confusing because I planned my whole life around you. Now I don't even know if I will wake up strong enough to go to work.

I just want to be with you. I wish I knew my way to where you are.

Growing pains

I'm part of that generation that has elderly parents who need extra care. I'm fortunate to still have both parents. Some of my friends have buried theirs. Others never really had both parents in their upbringing.
So this is perhaps how life has been good to me. Maybe unfair, but still god to me because I am not in charge fo what happens next.
Mama and Papa have always been the pillars in my life as a child. And they were also there for me when I chose my life partner. Lesley and I became one so quickly because our parents could not divide their love between us. In their own weird way they treated us like one. I reveal more beautiful stories in my upcoming book. But right now I want to express the pains of growing up. When I was younger I knew my parents were a safety net I'd fall on if life does not work out. For as long as they lived, I held on to the comfort zone they created for me. I watched them shield me from realities that could have easily broken me. But they always wanted me to know that they were not here for long and I needed to work on a Plan B. And I did. Lesley was actually a bonus. Because they had both of us. And we felt safe despite their old age. We felt so safe and that was one of the ingredients to our perfect love.
But now with Lesley gone and the pain so overwhelming, not even my mother who performed miracles can't make it better.
We grow up into situations that not even our parents can't save us. I also see how it's killing Mama.
She tells me every day that she feels bad she can't make me feel better. She tries. She fights. And she fails. Though it means so much to me to see her try to drag me out of this deep intense pain.  Many times she ends up inside that hole with me. All we do is hold on till the tide is not so strong. Les and I made a vow to care for them till the end. But it's all broken. We have anxiety about leaving each other broken. Lesley, I still can't believe it. Come back.

I appreciate the bad times too

Yesterday I was thinking so much about what I choose to hold on to, in order to keep your memory alive. We are very subjective about what we choose to remember about people we love. Especially people who are no longer in this world. I was having a debate in my head about whether it's good to just edit out the bad times and hold on to the the best times.

We survived our worst days and that means we were okay. I cried so much yesterday thinking of the days I hurt you. You were not much of a talker, and I went through an email you sent me in 2012, expressing how I hurt you with words when we disagreed. I probably said what I said, thinking I still had you for many years to come. I thought I had all the time in the world to make it up to you. I did make it up to you, but I don't have you now to look back at the long journey we travelled to reach the peak of our relationship.
The early big fights had already happened and we were on cruise mode. It had been long since we had a meltdown. It's something I really appreciate. And I will keep saying for as long as I live. You and I fought and disagreed like people who loved each other. And we both knew and understood that we needed more than love to stay together. We were at a point where we could read each other's body language. The funny moments were when you were upset and didn't want to talk about it. You still kissed me good morning. But it wasn't the usual long, warm, signature kiss. That's how I could tell I pissed you off. You still called to say you got to work safe. But it would never be "Hi babaloo or Hello babe" as usual. You would just say "Hi". You sent all the signs out there to say "wa mbora, but I love you". I think about those moments too.
And then the long WhatsApp messages would follow.
We always worked things out. The last two weeks of your life felt like we were recovering from a lover's quarrel. There was love like never before. The last hours together were like we knew it was end of the road. You even left a message for me with your sister. It's all those difficult days we overcame that made us love each other to the end. I love and miss you.
All I can do is just hold on to everything you gave me. Especially love. There's no regret or things that were unsaid between us. I love how you'd turn pink when I caught you flirting with boys. Hahahaha. I know I was defensive when you caught me. I'd even deny it despite evidence. Hahahaha. I wasn't scared to lose you. I was just too embarassed that I wanted it all. You and all the other meaningless things I did. I can't speak for you. But I never doubted your love and commitment to me. It was beyond love. It was way beyond love. And all I can is hold on to that.

Song To The Moon

These are translated lyrics to one of the most famous opera arias. It's from the opera Rusalka by Antonin Dvorak. I post this looking at the full moon from my window in Soshanguve, Pretoria. I read the words and they help express how I feel.

Moon, high and deep in the sky

Your light sees far,

You travel around the wide world,

and see into people's homes.

Moon, stand still a while

and tell me where is my dear.

Tell him, silvery moon,

that I am embracing him.

For at least momentarily

let him recall of dreaming of me.

Illuminate him far away,

and tell him, tell him who is waiting for him!

If his human soul is, in fact, dreaming of me, 

may the memory awaken him!

Moonlight, don't disappear, disappear!

People die...

Since you left, every time I hear of someone's death, I relive the trauma of your passing.
People die. You and I attended funerals together. Not so long ago our friend Joyce lost her brother. You and I were there for her. You and I spoke about death and the need to love and cherish each other more.

People die. I have never made sense of death and how it impacts those left behind. I don't think many people confront all of that until they lose someone to death.

People die. Others will want to move on. But I don't want to move on. I want to stand here. In the rain. In the sun. In the cold. Until it sinks in that you are not coming back. Some people will not understand why I still cry. It's two months since you've been gone. More people still die. Sometimes I want to die too. Sometimes I want to live. But all I can do is survive, because people die.

Amazing Grace

eNCA late night news for the first time since Lesley's passing. He was my biggest fan. Learnt of his death after reading my last bulletin on 8th July 2017. Life will never be the same. Rest in Peace my love. 

You would be so proud of me baby. The last time I read a news bulletin was the day I was told you are gone forever. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I still remember the way I was screaming. In disbelief. I wanted Angelo to take back the words he told me.
Today I braved the cold brought by that memory. I went back on air and I did this in your memory. You were so proud of me. Always expressing excitement and even making big plans on top of the dreams we both shared. You believed in me even when I was blinded by doubt. Now I'm looking back at the last few hours and amazed that I didn't break down. The whole experience is another reminder that you are really gone. Is this what "life goes on" feels like?  Every milestone and every achievement without you is painful. I seek your validation and motivation. They came from a warm and genuine place. I was always guaranteed love and honesty. I miss you Les.
I'm still shocked that I pulled it off. I must confess I did check my phone to see if you sent me anything. You always sent text messages telling me to sit up straight or sometimes make fun of me when I fluff. But you always told me how handsome I am. And never stopped saying how proud you were. I worked with the same crew that received the news about your passing with me. They were supportive and we declared today's broadcast to be in your memory. You are loved and missed sthandwa sam.

Gratitude, pain and anger

3 June 2017, we had just arrived at what would be our last weekend away. 

When a baby cries, a mother would always know what to do to comfort the baby. With just a cry, a mother will know if it's because the child is hungry, sleepy or in pain. That's how babies communicate. With a cry. And if a mere mortal can figure out a crying baby without any words, surely I don't need a sophisticated method to communicate my anger and sadness to God. He knows my cry.

I am nowhere near closure, but I have made a decision to have a little bit of gratitude in my life. Through all of this pain and anger, I feel I need to make every day count and not wallow in the sadness and pain. Ignoring it won't help either, but I just want to be able to carry the pain for as long as it lasts. I suspect that the pain will outlive me. I don't want to be without you, but I have to accept the things that I am unable to change. You were in my life for a purpose and I believe the time I had with you was always a loan from the creator. A loan without interest. But I do take away so much enriching life experiences from the love you gave me. 

There's no template to dealing with grief. We are not given any opportunity to bargain when death arrives. There's no time to negotiate and that's why we dwell on the pain and anger. At least I know that's why I am always so depressed. I have had the best times with you, but I feel I should have been prepared to deal with a possibility that you would be gone so soon. Someone said "focus on your strength and not so much on your pain". People say all sorts of things when they are trying to comfort another person. I thought to myself, "What strength do I have, when I can't even plan three hours ahead of my life?" 

Writing this blog has been helpful. I used to not know what to do, when I am overwhelmed. Every time I break down, I reached out to a friend. It's not sustainable. Even though people want to be there for  me, it's just not practical to always want someone with me, when you were the one person that was always with me and there for me. That's why I want to at least have one thought of gratitude every day. Even if it's just one. Be grateful  that I met you. I am not going to fight grief. I will let the process unfold, but I will force myself to have even if it's just one thought of gratitude every day. I have no regrets about anything between us. All I have is gratitude that I met you. I will work on the anger, so I can live a bit more to can make every day count. The pain is deep and intense still. Time is no healer as many say, we just learn to carry the pain and hopefully it will be less intense. I love you.