From strength to strength

The only thing that doesn't changeIn this picture is my weight. 
But we hada lot of Aromat to make us look great. And boy, We 
felt great too! 2010 vs 2016

You and I watched each other grow. A "living together" relationship was new to both of us. It overwhelmed us at times. It fulfilled  us most of the time. We took solace in the many years we've been together and the path we walked to get to our happiness and contentment.  If I had to use material or things that money can buy, I'd still come to the same conclusion that we really watched each other grow.

We didn't have much when we met. But we were too drunk in love to notice that we were the laughing stock, sometimes of the gay community we thought we belonged to. We lived in my patents' back room. That was our love nest for many, many years. We were not deterred. We actually laughed along with everyone. Except we laughed cause we made each other so happy. 

We were happy till the day you died. I have no one to look back with, to see how far we've really come. In my previous post I spoke about how you continued to write our love story, when I thought it was over. I look at pictures from many years ago, I have a good laugh because they remind of days when we made things work with very little resources.  We made it fun. We made it easy. I wouldn't call it struggles. It was preparation for great things that followed. Not just material, but there was spiritual growth. And that's what kept us together. You would always say to me, especially when we were happy, "Ke tswa kgole le wena baby ". I knew exactly what you meant because I was there with you every day. Friends came and left. Seasons changed, but we remained.

We were so close we spoke to each other every day even when we "broke up". Even the big break up back in 2011. Hahaha. We even had lunch together on some of those days. 

It's difficult to focus on the strength I have now and not the pain. Ke utlwile botlhoko. But you are the light into this darkness. And I want to thank you for coming into my dreams. 

Today I just wanted to say thank you for the journey. I was laughing when I thought of when our Toyota Yaris was our only car and we shared it. Years later we had more than that. Enough to say we have worked hard. We had choices we couldn't make years ago. Little did I know, one of the measures we use to gauge our growth is the one that will kill you. The car that you loved. 

I love you. 

Things we hold on to

Some of the last things
we said to each other on
the day he died.

I got a call from the tracking device company at 19:12 on Saturday, 8 July 2017. They asked if you were okay and I said, "of course he's fine, I spoke to him not too long ago". They claimed they could not track your car. My first thought was your problematic battery and told them it had happened before. I called you. You didn't answer, but I left you in the company of friends and so I thought you would have called of there anything wrong.

I didn't realise 19:12 was just after the impact  that ended your life. It's 2017 now and technology helps us hold on to our ladt moments together. I kept our text conversations. The way I documented our life and the little things we did together, it's like I knew you were not here for long. 

I still have so many questions about why you even took the route you did when you left home. I still feel like I should have done something to make you miss the time and place where you died. I acknowledge your death. I am not in denial about that. One day I will concede defeat to the universe and accept that the one love I had and guarded so jealously, is no longer with me. But in my mind and heart, you will always be the love of my life. 

My heart aches so much baby.  You never gave up on me. When I refused to see ways to make things better, you turned the page and continued writing our love story. With a lot of conviction, you taught me to love even when life had so much hopelessness.  You gave me all that, but now you leave me shocked, angry and sad. Only you could love a man like me. Through everything we've overcome, I cannot imagine any human being who would choose to sacrifice themselves the way you did for me. 

Let's also not forge how sexy you are my love. The lust I have for you. "Ever lusting love" I used to call it. You laughed at me. All I havr now is our last conversations. In my heart and on my phone. I wish you'd just come back. 

My father's son. My mother's child.

This is you and
Papa back in 2015,
Painting the wall
at home. Love how
You loved each other

 I am in between two extremes. I experience fulfilling moments with family, friends and colleagues. And then there are these new lows I experience as a hang over from the good times. That's mostly when I miss you. The pain is still so intense.

I am not the only one missing you. Papa misses his babrber. You. He does not say it so much. He rarely expresses his feelings. But I saw him shed a tear this weekend. I spoke about you to both him and Mama. I was choking as I was telling them the plans we had for this weekend. I saw Papa cry too. You both took a while before you warmed up to each other. When the period of getting to know each other ended. You were father and son.

I know this from your disagreements. I learned it from the things you did together. Most of them without me. I've walked into the conversations you had with him. About work, cars about your family. I also remember how he jokingly threatened to kick us out of the house when we didn't tell him we won't be coming back home.

I also won't forget how you helped nurse him back to health when he was attacked with injuries we thought would kill him. You were the pillar of the family. The hospital drives. The hugs and love you showed the whole family. The most beautiful expression of love you've always shown was respect. That's your legacy. That's one of the lessons I take from this painful experience. You are my father's son. He misses you.

I took a photo of you, capturinga picture of Mama in her church
choir uniform during one of theirfestivals. Mama's always been
proud of us and happy to see together.

Mama wears your sweater every week. She's hurting. But she's asking us not to cry so much for you. She reckons  our cries will not set your free into the afterlife. She prays a lot for your spirit to find peace. She's also asking you to appear in her dreams and assure her you're at peace. You are my mother's child. She misses you.

I miss you.

The Lament

February 2017. We were about to go
from a party, in different cars. I have
So many pictures of you kissing me
when we take selfies. So many. And I
miss that. This is killing me inside

Yes, I know it's still early days. But I think I will take a while before I get used to making plans without you. As days go by, it becomes clesr that you are gone and not coming back. I was sonused to shopping for both of us. On Friday I was at the shops and I went past your favourite things. You are the only one who loved Milk Tart. I was sad that I couldn't buy it. You hated ice cream with nuts and I love it. We'd reach a compromise. But this time I didn't buy it.

Every event and almost everything I did, you were part of it. I couldn't call you to ask you what colour bedding I should get.
I have become a burden to myself. A prisoner of love perhaps? Lost love. Perhaps not in the spiritual sense. Because I love you and I know you love me too. But I'd rather have you here. I don't know what's going to happen to me baby. I am just not coping without you.

All I do is cry. Sometimes there's laughter with loved ones. But when everybody goes bck to their lives, I have to face that you are gone. You are my life. So what am I going to be without you? Survive? I can't.  I don't want to. I jusy want to be with you. I miss you Les. And I wish you'd just come back.

Doesn't matter how long, but how much!

You, Kamo and Palesa. Palesa is going to high school next year
and Kamo is also grown and keeps writing poems about 
Malom' Lesley. We miss you

I am always going through our photographs  and keeping your beautiful face alive in my mind. I realised you and I documented our life together from the very beginning. I came across photos of your first sleep over. Memories just started flooding into my head. I'm all smiles now thinking about those good days and the many good memories that came after that.

Many people say nine years together is a long time. I guess it is, but the many years we've been together were fuelled by the passion and effort we put into this thing. The reason for the nine years comes from how much we've invested to make it work. There were many opportunities to call it quits. But we always chose to see the possibility of another chance. Over and over again, we renewed the love and passion for each other. We just never looked back. I keep saying your forgiving heart and your love for me amaze me. 

You taught me to love, forgive and to embrace every challenge with the resilience to safeguard our journey. I saw a picture of you from 2009 with your wedding band on. It suddenly clicked how we didn't waste time choosing a "forever" arrangement. We didn't even know each other that well. Without pressure, we both kept going and fixed what broke along the way. 

Thank you for the laughter. Thank you for the challenging lessons. And thank you for loving me. I miss you. 

My refuge

One of our first pictures together.
This was taken on Charmaine & Thabiso's
Wedding in March of 2009. It was also the first time I
introduced you officially to my friends. It was the beginning of our forever. 

I want to say that music and books have been my refuge during this impossible time. I want to credit music because the words in the songs articulate my longing for you so perfectly. So perfect, I almost expect a response from you. I have been choosing poetry more to read, and it's the kind that also gives pesperctive on life and death.
But I have figured neither music nor literature is my refuge.

Solitude is my safe place. I have found that every time I am alone, (with you) it's the only time I'm able to feel what I need to feel. All my moments alone put me in touch with the reality of your absence in a more intimate way. Sometimes I can't handle it and that's when I cry. On my own, I just cry and cry. I cry myself to sleep hoping to wake up next to you or see you in my dreams. I somehow keep on raising my hopes and wake up disappointed at times. But that's the beauty of solitude. It's time to make sense of the things that don't even make sense.

Your passing will not make sense to me for many days to come. I have resolved to learn how I will carry the pain. There is nothing that can ever replace this void you left. When I'm alone I can't even answer my phone when friends call because I'd be crying. Sometimes I just answer and pretend I'd been sleeping.

Usually when I'm home alone, you'd be on the other end of the telephone line telling me where you are. I would not be so lonely because I'd be looking forward to seeing you back home. It's easy to say I will hold on to the memories. But It's not good enough. I have to settle for the memories, but it's still just not as good as having you here, holding me and sharing your dreams with me.

Today's note was just to tell you not to worry so much about me baby. Especially when I choose to be by myself. It's the time I use to take it all in. The love. The loss. The pain. The support. The emptiness. And the faith I have that some day we will be reunited when I cross over.

In the meantime I will do what the living do. And of course preserve your memory for the sake of your kids. All of them. They miss you so much. Morena still sleeps holding the funeral programme. Pictures of you are all over his room. Palesa and Kamo talk about you all the time. Theresho hasn't stopped crying. Our parents are still shocked.

We are all trying to find our feet so we can carry on. We are all doing it in different ways. I chose solitude because it helps deal with the outside world. I love and miss you.

From my mouth, to God's ears

Your coffin covered with a Pall,
which signifies Christ's triumph
over death. I love that you maintined
your beliefs and faith in the diversity
Of our time together. Rest in Peace my love

Whatever one's belive in God, I know we can agree that some lives are taken far too early and others far too late and sometimes with a lot of suffering.
I do believe in God. I have just been unable to pray or meditate ever since your passing. I sit in silence and rather talk to you hoping your hear how I long for you. I'd rather have you know my despair without you than direct prayers to God.
Your life was cut short far too early. And as a person who believes in God, I have questions. Questions I know may never be answered. All I can rely on now is fate to lead me into this new path. Now I know, not all new things are good. I never wanted a "new" life without you. I call it new because it's a mystery and I still need to get used to the rythm.

I am writing today just to say I wish I could have cut a deal with God. Maybe not to prolong my life or yours, but to have prepared me. So much was taken away from me when you died. It's simply because everything else I had was because you were around. I am yet to face God in prayer and say what's in my heart and on my mind.

Sometimes I am living like a person driving through red robots hoping a big truck will crash into me and end it all. But most times I sit in the comfort of love given to me by family and friends. Being without you will be new to me for a very long time.
For the first time I spoke about a cute guy I saw at the opera. He plays the cello. I've always giggled and spoke about my new found crush to the girls and some would say "Lesley is gonna kill you". They always said it knowing that you are the king of my heart. But I felt human again and shared news about a cute boy without feeling that I disrespect your memory. I'm not sure if I am able to say all these things because of God, because I haven't spoken to him. I carry so much anger because of your death. Not only because I want you here with me, but because you had so much more to give to this world. You had just succeeded in reaching some of the dreams we shared. We both saw the horizon of a good future and we were mapping our way there. I felt better getting lost with you on our way there.
You are probably  saying God and Badimo will see me through. But they tore us apart. I still need to find my strength and maybe understanding of what your death is supposed to mean. They spoke in a violent language I am yet to grasp. I'm angry. I mourn from a place of anger. You are always in my heart. I love you. 

Still waving goodbye

Earlier this year at Siki's birthday,
Where you saved the pap. That story was the
Highlight of the party. 

Every single day feels like I'm on a moving bus and you are standing behind it waving, but never disappearing. The bus keeps moving but I still see you waving in the distance. And I can't enjoy this new journey because I don't want to lose the last view I have of you. I'm not waving back because I want you here next to me.
It's hard to change plans when you've build your whole life around one person. I've lost zeal for life and I am becoming even more less inspired to write about how I long for you. All it does is create a gaze for those who wonder what I am going through. I'm failing to convince myself that writing is key in the healing process I must go through. I'm broken and most of time just want to come where you are.
Every morning, I wake up surprised that I am still alive and survived the pain. I cry myself to sleep every day. That proverbial bus just keeps moving and I see you still waving and not trying to catch up so you can be with me.
I miss you so much.

My submission to grief

There is no right or wrong way to mourn. But I have realised that grief will make you almost schizophrenic. Especially when you are mostly surrounded by love and genuine people who want to see through your pain. Once you are in solitude, even after a spectacular day, grief strikes and sometimes paralyses you like you are hearing for the first time that your beloved is gone.

This was taken in May 2016, at a traditional ceremony in Winterveldt, Even
during serious moment, we found time to play. I can't remember who we were
pretending to be in this picture. He loved and embrace my calling as Sangoma

I don't even try to be bold or strong during this time. I think that trying is even a set back. It's harder for me because I prefer being in control or moving away from things I cannot get a hold of. Lesley would always ask me to let go every time I wanted to get to the bottom of anything that unsettles me. When I don't win, he'd be there. Not to say "I told you to let go" - but to comfort and console me. He was a kind man, soft-spoken and often walked away from drama. I'd often fight his battles. Even the ones he chose to ignore. It's a weakness I have, but it's a weakness that made us compliment each other. 

He was the only one I didn't fight or use force to express my frustration. Over time I learnt to be graceful especially when dealing with him. I could not believe how much I love that man. He got me to be submissive. Something I deliberately refused to do because of the many battles I've had to fight as a gay man in a hetero-normative world. The only space I was submissive was when he was around. And I learned that from him. He'd never try to win an argument. In the middle of my rage he'd kiss me and say good night, got to sleep. And he'd still want to hold me when I come to bed. It happened so many times I had to question myself and the way I do things. It almost felt like I was not loving him back enough. I know he didn't see it that way, but I resolved to just be gentle with him. I think that is what made us sail through even the most difficult times of our relationship. We forgave each other easily and used most of our time together bringing out the best in each other.

So my submission to grief is not a surprise. I am mourning the loss of a part of me. I am making peace with not being able to hear him call me "Mogatsake". Grief will make you look like a fool. One moment you are smiling, laughing and chatting away with friends. Next moment you are fighting back tears.   

It's called life

If there was a pill I could take to take away the pain and maybe help me forget that I will never see you again, I don't think I would take it. Especially after yesterday. I was part of a team that produced one of the most memorable moments on South African TV. It's the kind of stuff that you always encouraged me to do. I felt and acknowledged your spirit throughout the production.
Though I was yearning for a phone call conversation to keep you posted or even your presence as you always supported me in that way - I remembered something.

I told my friend Benji Hanson that when I
took a look at this picture, I saw why Lesley
loved me. He'd always say it, but I chose
not to see it then. But now I do. Pic taken
ahead of an interview with Pretty Yende.
12-08-2017

"Our best artists are informed by their pain. Our heroes are born out of adversity". The yearning and pain of not being able to reach out to you in the way I have in the many years we have been together, really mad me sad. But for your sake and mine I remembered how you wanted me to be happy. And so I used that quote to help me continue living and doing what I know would just make you proud. You left me on this side of the world and I continue to feel everything including the sense of loss. I suppose we are indeed the sum of our experiences. All of them. Not just the good or the bad, but all of them. Yesterday was just good. What's missing is a picture of you and me embracing one another after a successful day. I love and miss you.

I am still shocked, grief-stricken and sometimes inconsolable when I think about your sudden death. But instead of wishing for a pill that would make all of this go away, I would rather be like the friend of Arthur Hallam, the great poet. Alfred Tennyson, also a poet, immortalised his friend in a verse and gave us one of the greatest poems in the English language. In Memoriam A. H. H.
So I am also choosing to keep you alive in my heart and carry you everywhere I go. I knew love because of you. I am so fortunate to have come across this poem. It's the kind of consolation I was not expecting.

I am grateful to our friend Angelo Fick, who got me books to read to pull me through this time. I found this poem once again after many years.

Angelo has also been a pillar of strength from the beginning of this tragic story. He was the one who broke the news of your death to me. Every day I pray for him because this couldn't have been easy. We had just spoken on the phone with him that same week. Few days later you are gone. The last thing you got from him was a sandwich he sent after my late lunch with him. I still remember how you enjoyed it and kissed me to say thanks to Angelo. It was the same week building up to a day that would change our lives forever.

Our memories. Our experiences. That's who we are. And you were a great part of mine. Engraved in my heart forever Les.

Letters you wrote to me

I'm sharing with you some of the many letters and cards Lesley wrote to me. I have censored them obviously and left out those he wrote when he said he was leaving me. Hahaha. He usually came back. And wrote me even more love letters. He had a beautiful handwriting. I knew love because of this man.

This one made me giggle a lot. We were still dating and not yet calling each by our pet names.
So formal and proper. It was second graduation back in 2008. We had just met.

This was after my appointment as News Editor was confirmed at eNCA.
He kept on telling me I got the job before the interview. "Your success, is my success"
that's what he always said. Whether good things happened for me or for him. That quote comes from a warm, deep place.
We watched each other grow. 

My birthday. I cannot remember which year this was. I have 9 birthday gifts and cards from him,
That's how long we've know each other. He made all of them special.

This was not so long ago. I had been complaining about work load and not being able to spend time with him.
We were almost becoming our parents. Talking only logistics and not so much about us and having fun as we did.
He penned this letter to allay my fears. We were going through a really tough time.

This was one of those. Out of the blue love letters. The last one he got me. June 2017.
Not knowing he would be gone the next month. My man.

Still holding on

Our favourite spot, Baob Wonderboom. One of the many nights we spent there having our dinner.
And we always dressed up for these things. Photo credit to Kate Pilane who happened to be there too.

The feeling I have now is the extreme opposite of our every day life. We drove each other crazy. But our cat fights didn't last long. We made each other laugh a lot. And I miss that genuine laugh from your belly when I made fun of politicians and people we gossiped about. We had our own private jokes about people and things we experienced together. We'd laugh at the same joke for days. I will always miss that. 

This was the selfie on the same night
before we left to dinner. You loved funny
faces. I was up for it any time. I miss you.

Now I am back to where we started. No one believes this, but I was a very socially awkward person until I met you. I only went to places where I knew I'd have few people that I know. But you and I teamed up and we broke that boundary. We went to places not knowing what to expect. I remember our last adventure was the Capital Beer Festival at the Botanical Gardens in Pretoria. We got there and we laughed so hard at the fact that we were the only Black people for a while and we high-fived and celebrated when we saw another Black person. We had the best food and lots of beer. We had each other, well I had you. I even saw you talk to people you didn't know. At some point, you had to explain the LGBTI cap you were wearing. You loved showing me off and kissing me in public. I enjoyed all those things, You took me out of the shell I was in for a long time. Mainly because I still could not believe I was experiencing the kind of love you showed me. I also could not believe that I could love another human being like that. I thought about these things a lot. The things that make me happy and the people I value. You were always on top of that list. 

I will never make peace with fact that I will never see you again. I am learning to carry the intensity of the pain every day. Sometimes I win, but most times I lose. But the safety net for me at the moment is the great times we had together. We laughed, loved and danced to our own tune. It was really rewarding. I will always hold on to that. I love you baby. 

First month without my love

The distance between us when lived in Rustenburg,
meant that we need to send each other lots of pictures
and spent time video calling. This is one of the many
pictures of you I saved from those days. You are such a
hottie. Oh motho wa ka!

Today I don't want to say much except that I miss you. It was on this day, a month ago when my best friend, your favourite person in the world delivered the news that you are no longer in this world. I told that story so many times. I still remember I wasn't crying but I was screaming.

I was in disbelief. It's a month later and no one has woken me up from this bad dream.  I cry every single day. The pain is just too much. Even told a priest friend of my mine how angry I am with God. But he had such comforting words. Everyone has been so loving and caring towards me. All I want is you. I wish you'd come back my love. I'm in our bed now. Your side of the bed is empty. I don't know how I am going survive without you.  I love you.

Busy news day and I still missed you

I'd say today was officially my first day at work. It was a busy news day, but I could not stop looking at my phone. When you heard breaking news on your radio, wherever you were, you'd call in the middle of my busy day to ask if we have it. And you'd want to give your opinion while I need to get things on air. Now I am looking back and I see how I loved the way I stayed on the phone with you and still managed to get news on air. 

It was productive today. 

But I missed you in between all of that. You knew and acknowledged my passion for current affairs and never felt left out and supported me. I feel guilty now that I am almost back to my routine without you. You were part of all of this madness. I also know that being at work is to help me cope with your passing.

It's a distraction of some sort because I am about to go back home and you won't be there. But I am writing this note to tell you that I was productive today. I made jokes and laughed with colleagues. I had a really good cry right at the end of it. Thanks to Mpho Majoro. She saw through me. Gave me a big hug that sees the pain behind the smile. I felt safe and thought it was good to let it out then. But I am okay my love. I am coping. It's hard, but I do it for you, because I know you always protected it me from pain. I am dealing with the pain of losing you. We were so good together. And I believe Joanne when she says our separation was an injustice. and injustice I  will never recover from, but I will live a little bit more. Just for you. I love you. Don't stop visiting in my dreams. 

Friends with grave diggers

Photo Credit to Kagiso Molefe who works at the
Ga-Rankuwa cemetery

I came to my shrine just before noon today. I felt like I was just going to sit there and cry after all the admin I had to deal with today. Our bank accounts, the collection of the wreck of the car and basically signing off that you are indeed gone.

I didn't get to do my cry because people who work at the cemetery are now my friends. From just saying hello during my visits, it was today elevated to a chat and a lot of questions about why I come so often. It was intrusive, but I understood because Kagiso said he had seen my car too many times and wondered if I am okay. I was looking for shock and maybe a conversation cut short when I explained that you are my husband and the love of my life. More questions came about how you died, where we stayed and why Ga-Rankuwa cemetery and not Soshanguve where we lived.

"Etla ko shape pic le motho wa hao" that's how I got to get a picture standing over the grave. I obliged. Then he left me to be alone for a while. I did the usual feather dusting the granite and sit in silence. Silence. I didn't feel like I was gonna cry. I spoke to you a bit. Then when I left, that is when I felt overwhelmed by emotions. I stopped and cried. I even called Charmaine and sent text to Benji and Gerald. "How does this grief thing work, one moment you are fine. The next I am shattered and can't even speak". It was good to be on the phone with a calm voice on the other side of the phone. I felt a bit composed and honestly felt like going to a liquor store to get just one or two bottles of Savanna. I will not confirm here if I did. But I think you know what happened because I did exactly what I thought you would do.

I saw your mom, earlier in the day. My "Aus Morongwe". We cry together. Today she laughed and warned me that if you were to walk in there, we would be in trouble. I remember how you used to be annoyed by us when we cried over things that happened in the past. I even remember sleeping next to you while you were on the phone with her asking her not to cry when she told you what the girls got up to. I always wanted us to drive to her and you'd say "Tsamaya o le 1, Mama o rata ho lla man". She is a crier and you never wanted to accept it. But you taught me NOT to cry when there are problems to solve. I can't bring you back. Surely you will forgive us for crying about this one. You are loved and you are missed. The pain is unbearable. I wish you'd come back.

For all we know...

Back to routine. Without You

Joburg Gay Pride 2012

It's day three since I've gone back to work. I'm my usual inappropriate self and trying to tell South African stories in the best possible way. Something you were always proud of.

As I've said before, you and I punctuated each other's day.

I still have to think about why I haven't heard from you. There's this thing I do when I remember that you're gone. It's actually a feeling I cannot describe. No one sees or feels it with me. 

One of the news items today involved a fatal car accident. Everyone at work tried to save me from dealing with that story. I saw the car wreckage, but prerended I hand not. I watcjed the compassion of colleagues taking over just so I don't relive the trauma of how I lost you. That feeling came back. I let it take over. Without breaking down, it took me over.

The extraordinary thing about your passing is there are people who haven't met you, but want to honour your memory. Most of them say it's because they know how happy you made me. I still have that love for you in my heart. Some of the people are just genuinely compassionate and just want to ease the pain. Their gestures remind me of you. Generous, loving and full of compassion. It's like your spirit has redirected all this towards me. We miss you Papa Les. Iponagatse ka ditoro. Robala ka Khutšo Tau. 

Reason we're not together today

This is a note I woke up to on 29 May 2015. He had beautiful
handwriting and a beautiful heart. I will miss this love.

I just confessed to my friend Rene that the one of the reasons why I have not taken my own life to be with you, is whether I'd see you when my soul leaves this world. If I knew for sure where you were gone, I would really come for you. The other honest truth is that I am not brave enough to do it. You also left some work to be done and in your memory, I want to do everything I can to get the work done.

This is in no way trying to undermine the love shown to me and the family since you left. I have said it so many times that the love is the only light we have in this time of darkness. People shared their personal stories of grief. Apparently it does not get better. People just learn to live with this pain.

I am starting to do a lot of things on my own now that I have gone back to work. It's traumatic not to be able to hear you complain how I ruin your sleep with the opening an closing of drawers. I'd kiss you good bye any way even when you are upset with me. Every morning, without fail, you would ask me to drive safe. Those were your words to me every single morning when I leave the house.

The irony in all of this made me break down in front of colleagues here at work. I didn't get the "did you arrive safe text". I won't get the "going to shower" text either. We always knew each others' moves and that's how we knew if either of us was up to no good. That's how we knew if one of us wasn't okay. That's how it made sense you had left this world when I didn't get any text from you when I got to work that day.

I also have good news my love. I finally found a willing publisher to finish your book. The 42 pages you wrote when you were working in Rustenburg.